There were many times where the thought of “Will I ever have a boyfriend, a husband in my life?” came to mind.

Coming from a family with strict & traditional upbringing, it had been a bumpy journey growing up. With parents setting the ground rule of “no-boyfriend-till-you-graduate”, it became awkward for me to approach such topic. There were many times where the thought of “Will I ever have a boyfriend, a husband in my life?” came to mind. After 27 years, I found the companion that I had been searching for, I never thought I would ever find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with.

The vast and unexpected mountain that is life

It was my 30th birthday, and while I have had some or happiest times in Singapore, it is occasions like this where the absence of friends and family from your home country is felt most deeply. It’s as if I could feel each and every step of the 10,800 km that separates you from the home in which you grew up in. As I sat up on my bed, and walked across to my kitchen, my girlfriend was instructing me to go back into the bedroom. I had no idea what was in store for me. She soon called me back into the living room, and said: “I have a very special day planned for you my dear, all I ask is that you keep an eye on your phone.”

She did not disappoint. Over the course of the day, I received 60 different video messages from friends and family across the world. I was overwhelmed with happiness. It’s as if at that point technology had help us overcome those 10,800km, and I was sitting at home in my family living room opening cards and sharing laughs all together. It turns out my girlfriend had spent the preceding weeks contacting each and everyone of the people closest to me, and asked them to send across a message. While it was the videos that brought about that moment of unexpected happiness, I cannot underplay the thoughtfulness of my partner in bringing about this moment. Her actions bring me moments of unexpected happiness each and every day, and I feel so grateful to have this person by my side, scaling the vast and unexpected mountain that is life.

I think I may be happier the other way round

I Have high IQ but low EQ. I think I may be happier the other way round.

You'll learn to dance even in the storm

A part of me believe, I am something more than I am now. But a part of me disagree with that. I am searching for something but I do not know what it is. I am a dreamer but I am also a realist.

Life is interesting and it's always moving but sometimes I wished it could go slower or stop when I am exhausted or even skip some parts of it and just get to the easy part. But thats what makes life is. Something you can actually control little by little even if you do not have the courage or faith to do so but you'll learn to dance even in the storm.

I like climbing buildings

I like adventures, I like climbing buildings. It makes me feel free and happy.

I don't think I want kids

I don't think I want kids, but I feel compelled to have 1

I am magnificent and at the same time worthless

I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.

This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.

Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.

I fell in love with resurrecting myself

I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s  wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.

No one knows that I still miss my grandpa.

No one knows that I  still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...

 

I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)

It is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances

I have learnt, in the last two and a half years, that it is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances - when everything you took for granted in your life and that you imagined was the basis of your happiness, is upended, threatened, even destroyed. What do you do when you can no longer live the perfect life that you thought you had? I have learnt that if you accept, and even embrace, change and let go of control (which is an illusion anyway!) that can become a source of tremendous freedom and that freedom, and the discovery that you can be happy and joyful when almost everything you knew has crashed and burned, makes me brave and unafraid of what lies ahead. While I would never have wished for what happened to happen (it crushed me and broke my heart), I understand that it is precisely because it happened that I am braver, stronger and yes, more joyful than I was before.

Yes, I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me

I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me and it felt completely right at that time of my life. I am not shameful of it, because I saw who she was. Not shallow things like her age or gender.

I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family

The deepest emotion I feel is gratitude. I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, I am an optimist and a do-er... but I sometimes look around me and wonder, how did I end up here?

Life is ironic, and magical. And I am grateful for it: for my family, my life experiences, my friends and the random people that come my way. Yet somehow, deep down inside I am afraid. I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family - my husband and my kids. 3 great kids and they each need 100% of the best of me everyday, which I can't give them because I am just me - enthusiastic, energetic, irritable, tired, witty, creative, demanding, angry, happy, sad. I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother. And I love her and I am so grateful for her love and sacrifices - but I see her limping and tired now, uninterested for herself. When I finally put the kids to bed, and slouch exhausted on the couch, I feel my bones transform into hers. I try to will myself to get up and go for a run. Nope. Never happens.

And just when I think I'm almost managing all these balls juggling in the air, just when I think I have managed to carve out a little space for me again.... congratulations, you're going to have another baby! What?!! 4 kids? Yes, I wished for that as a child, when I couldn't possibly have understood what child-rearing was about. But now, really?? Yet, I smile .... it's irrational, I know. And I am grateful. I know it'll be another great ride.

 

But word to the wise - be careful what you wish for. Always.

I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother.

The deepest emotion I feel is gratitude. I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, I am an optimist and a do-er... but I sometimes look around me and wonder, how did I end up here?

Life is ironic, and magical. And I am grateful for it: for my family, my life experiences, my friends and the random people that come my way. Yet somehow, deep down inside I am afraid. I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family - my husband and my kids. 3 great kids and they each need 100% of the best of me everyday, which I can't give them because I am just me - enthusiastic, energetic, irritable, tired, witty, creative, demanding, angry, happy, sad.

I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother. And I love her and I am so grateful for her love and sacrifices - but I see her limping and tired now, uninterested for herself. When I finally put the kids to bed, and slouch exhausted on the couch, I feel my bones transform into hers. I try to will myself to get up and go for a run. Nope. Never happens.

And just when I think I'm almost managing all these balls juggling in the air, just when I think I have managed to carve out a little space for me again.... congratulations, you're going to have another baby! What?!! 4 kids? Yes, I wished for that as a child, when I couldn't possibly have understood what child-rearing was about. But now, really??

Yet, I smile .... it's irrational, I know. And I am grateful. I know it'll be another great ride. But word to the wise - be careful what you wish for. Always.

I can see many life looks same but different standard

I'm still finding myself. I'm in the middle of journey of life. For my life, there is some kind of rule which I have to follow. I try to break that rule and release from that kind of burden but it's not easy. Especially I realized that I push my daughter in the same ways. I try to find which a way makes me happy and satisfies my life. For me, satisfying my life is an important thing. I believe that all the happiness and feeling safe is from satisfaction. When I move to singapore, I could meet many variety of persons, then I realised it. What is important for my life. Because I can see many life looks the same , but is a different standard.

I pretend to be a nice person, good mother, and good wife.

I care about what others think about me too much. I pretend to be a nice person, good mother, and good wife. Thats me, and I'm happy:) Do i pretend to be happy? maybe yes, but maybe no.

I am a mid life mother searching for what's next for my life

I am a mid life mother searching for what's next for my life? Expat life has made my skin thick..Sometimes lonely, kids abroad, husband and I grown closer ..new friends, new life, missing our hometown (30 hr commute).. Sniff