It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
I was once sure of what I wanted, when I was a child. But as I grew up, I realised my options grew with me too. So I tried to narrow them down to a few routes. And I started walking on those routes. And so, I walked and walked even as the ground started to feel more bumpy and I started regretting and doubting. Was it because, I really wasn't as good as I thought? Why did I feel stumped the more further away I went and my shoulders heavier with the weight of doubt and insecurity?
When I was young, whenever I felt downtrodden by my failures, somehow I had the drive to go on. In the past, things were clearer to me, which road I would take and not look back. But now, I look down and the road has stopped. Countless times, I have looked back, unsure of my decisions. Now I am blocked by my own fear. I see people far away, achieving greater things yet they are so much younger than me. I know it doesn't actually matter the age as long as you keep trying, but with each tick-tocking, I feel rushed. Rushed to not disappoint my younger self, to reach somewhere, to achieve something. As the time passes, the sound grows louder and faster. And yet, I find myself on a standstill. Turning back from where I am, I no longer know where I want to go, the directions in my mind are a jumbled mess. What am I going to do now? The roads are no longer clear to me. All I can see is shadows of past dreams and windows gloating at me , the success that seems unreachable, that I didn't try hard enough. That I wouldn't make it anywhere. That I am nothing. So I close my eyes and try to sleep these feelings away.
I am person who really not say been through alot but i would like to say going through times where i got scolded and punished by my parents, i really hope that a have a 2nd personality to cope with me through those times. I have stolen from my family a number of times, some might say i am young.. well i have to agree but now thinking back , Hey! I just wanted to be noticed. I was the oldest out of 3 children, and i was always told since i am the oldest i have to set an example. But now i know, i am me, not an example, i want to try and find the path i want to go and strive towards it, I am not the oldest I am me.
I Have high IQ but low EQ. I think I may be happier the other way round.
I'm really tired of being happy, enthusiastic and pretending that everything is okay. These were the qualities that enabled me to survive. Some who know who I really am - I'm a terrible introvert. I hate going out. I hate socialising. I dont like to be happy and enthusiastic all the time.
Growing up in a very restrictive and strict family -
There were times when I was younger when I thought about suicide- I was 12 when I realised I had depression. But I couldn't bear it.
Why did I have depression? Well, I had pressure from doing badly in school- Failing math. My parents were so strict, I felt like a bird in a cage. It was suffocating for me.
When I was 14, I admitted to my parents about my disorder and went to a counciler. He told me I was being 'mature', but for me - I had many mixed emotions. Was I really being mature? Wasn't I a coward for not being able to cut or end myself? I had doubts but I just let it slide. (I'm glad I did)
It's been a few years since those dark days. There were definitely times when I thought about depression again, but I think I grew passed it.
I managed to be able to cope with it better. I thanked my 'cowardly' self when I was younger that I didn't manage to harm myself. I learnt to love myself more and began to start appreciating my body. Sure there were times I've wondered why I had my flaws, but then again, it's those flaws that made me who I am. Thus, with that in mind, I've learnt to embrace my flaws. After working at a service job, which made me realise many things, I grew to understand more about the adult world as well.
It's not easy to survive in the real world. I've learnt that I should use my time now and start thinking and planning for the future.
Depression, anxiety, other disorders are sure to come. More in the future.They are the obstacles in my life yet I need to learn to overcome them.
It's a tiring and tedious process, but I hope the ending of my story will end well.
I wanted to be a superhero, to save the world and make it whole again. Thinking about it now though, I wished someone told me it is okay to be your own superhero.
I cheated, I destroyed her life, I let people who once loved me dearly down. And right now, ironically, I am asking my friend not to cheat on her fiance. Totally laughable. #iamsorry
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
I feel like I distract myself from a lot of things that go on in my life. I try to hide or mask away the confusion or unhappiness with friends and laughter. Yes, I am genuinely content with my circle of friends but there are just times where one feels inferior. Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be intelligent? I know these things are far from what matter in life. Things that should matter are values and beliefs and sincerity but I can't help but to think about these factors about my life. They affect your self-esteem and social circle so much. I'm so afraid of doing something that will cause unrest in others. I don't want to be ostracised and left out. Everyone wants to feel included and feel a sense of belonging. I know i'm not the only one that feels all this but at the same time, I want to be all these things. I'm scared but I don't show it to others. I want to be loved and to love others. I don't know how or what is my true self anymore. I'm scared to be real. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared of being different but i hate being typical. I don't know what to do.
I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really good person, i admit. I have a group of friends who are really good people but somehow lost contact with them after (primary school) graduation. I want to thank them for the short but fond memories and thank them for making my life more colourful. I once had a clique but the friendship did not end off well (because of me) and I just cut ties. I would like to thank them for those memories and lessons which help me to grow into a more independent person. I have supportive teachers (especially those who had not gave up on me after seeing those horrifying marks on my paper)who give encouragements. Thank you for all the efforts and hard work put in. Please remember to rest well. I have pockets of friends in school who I really get along with. They make my life more interesting and meaningful. Thank you for that one friend who constantly supports and stay by my side when I was at that depressing stage where I couldn't pick myself up. Please don't care about what others think and do what you love, and more importantly be yourself. I love my CCA- Choir. Choir is like my second family and I do feel that I belong there, it's filled with loving people. Thank you choir members (seniors, juniors and secondary 4 batch) for making long and tiring sessions more fun throughout the 4years (and all those crazy moments HAHAAHHAHAHA) and thank you conductor for where we are now (both in choir and life) and teachers who constantly guide us. I have a loving family. Thank you for enduring my nonsense and sorry for those times when I had hurt you all with my sharp tongue. I am sorry.
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really really good person...an average person? I feel happy when schoolmates who were once classmates still say hi to me. I say hi to the aunties and uncles in school and it makes me happy as all of them would smile back and say hi too (some even asking if I had lunch already). Sometimes when returning plates, I would tell the canteen vendors that i really like the food and thank them. Sometimes, i feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Sometimes, i like to be alone. Occasionally, i would draw but my drawing is not that good. Sometimes, i would sing to myself but stop when people pass by. Sometimes, i read. Or other times, i would just nap. I feel irritated when people smokes near me. I feel irritated when people seems to be in a rush to somewhere (but maybe they are rushing home to meet their love ones, I'll never know). I want to sing out loud in the parade square. I want to dance in the parade square (though I don't really know how to dance). I want to scream in the parade square, telling people i love and hate and love and hate and love them. I want to let myself all out. Conflicted feelings. I don't like people to tell me what to do with that 'ordering people around' attitude. I like freedom but not too much. Once, two teachers were discussing about what to do with my work. Being bored, i had small talks with other classmates. Then, one of them asked me who's work is that and who's responsibility (for the work). I felt stressed after that (though it's my fault for not listening attentively to their discussion). I felt like throwing up whenever I saw or heard one of them for the rest of the day. (Luckily one friend of mine provide me with gummy bears, it helps) Later that evening I talked back to my parents due to some minor conflicts and immediatwly ran to vomited my dinner out. I then broke down in the dark bedroom. I then slept. I used to go outing around places by my own (i dare not ask anyone to accompany me). I like museums. They makes me feel calm and makes me think out of the box. Those interesting works makes my brain filled with imaginations out of the world and expose me to new ideas. Mind and eye opener, i guess. Sometimes, i get lost(literally) but it allows me to find out things that people will not usually notice. I remember that outing with sec4 choir members, it was really fun and I hope to have such an outing with them again in near future. I have a decent life but sometimes, i feel like I don't belong anywhere. Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting someone to hug you tightly but no one was there for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting to chat with someone of your deep night thoughts but then realise there is no one there for you to do that? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night after thinking what a disappointment you are after not meeting expectations people set for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night because you keep thinking that what if you had not done that or said that or saw that or heard that or knew that? What if? What if you just disappeared, without anyone knowing? Will anyone know? Will anyone care? Or what if you are just a minor role in people's daily life- it won't matter if you're not there...right? Sometimes, i have this sudden motivation to write short notes or long letters, pouring out all my emotions to those significant individuals in my life, telling them how grateful to have them in my life, to thank them for tolerating me and tell them that i really love them. Will they smile after reading the letter? Will they feel my emotions through the letter? Will they still remember me after many years had gone by? I am afraid. I've always think that people i know do have their own lives and friends and family that mean a lot to them, and I should not disturb them. I am just playing a minor role in their lifes. I mean, after graduation, people just move on...right? At new places, they will make new friends, and the cycle continues. (not saying that new beginnings are bad) Relationships (or bondings) will end, am i afraid. One thing I've vowed to myself is that, even if they forgot me, I'll never forget them. I shall carry all the past memories and carry on with my life, i hope. I don't really trust people. Sometimes, people who see me in school asked if I'm okay(thank you people i love y'all) or i simply need more sleep, I'll answer them that I'm just tired. (Sometimes they'll joking ask if I'm physical, emotional or psychological tired) I don't really trust people with my personal problems. I dare not trouble them. I can't imagine pouring all my deep down and long hidden emotions, showing someone all my insecurities, just no. It feels... so naked. I am afraid to let anyone saw the 'raw', realest me(i tend to fool around on the outside, or both inside-out when I'm really happy). Just be strong, i tell myself, and everything will be okay. Really. I see people struggling with their life too. I sincerely (i may or may not sound hypocritical here, i am not a really really good person) hope that they would overcome the challenges, learn meaningful lessons and after time, they'll look back and have a good laugh. I once told myself that this is my life - my one and only life - and I should make it interesting. Should I still hold everything to myself or just let myself out, be the realest self and enjoy life? Should I? I mean, a smooth journey will not be as exciting as a roller coaster ride, am i right? Time shall see.
Oh, one more thing about me. I really love chinese!
I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing
I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....
My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.
I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.
What I fear most in life is when everyone turn their back on me. Leaving me in an empty corner, abandoned.
There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave, he will always be part of me and I will learn to let go, someday. Or I might never be able to do that.
People seem to think I'm this incredibly driven, passionate, and intelligent person. But the truth is, I feel so lost. I'm living alone and I don't have anyone that I can always run to. It's lonely, and it's confusing, and I feel there are so many things I do not know, so many people I have yet to meet, and God, all the knowledge I cannot absorb. I'm not as high up as everyone thinks I am. I'm just learning my way around and doing the best I can, and most of the times, it's not smiles and rainbows. Sometimes it's tears no one sees and screams no one hears. But at all times, I just want someone to understand that I'm ordinary and I'm human. I want to be reckless and irresponsible and spontaneous, but everyone seems to rely on my responsible and discipline front. I'm tired. All I want is a few days down.
I've always had a desire to float and be content at that floating state.
But I have found the truth, an objective one.
Some may not believe in the existence of one,
but I do;
it is as real as ever,
I don't float anymore.
I am irrationally ideological but not critical
I believe in goodness in humanity but believe I am disillusioned. I believe in mind over body, believe in contentment for happiness. But I allow my body to fool my mind, and allow worldly desire to dissatisfy my contentment.
A dichotomy of belief clouds my aura.