I am happy because I finally realised I am the love I have always wanted and deserve. That we are each a you-niverse of infinite possibilities. That I am and we are slowly unlearning our way into unconditional love. That the first step is self-care. That loving yourself is one step closer to loving nature and others in an authentic, sustainable, centered way. I am grateful.
It was my 30th birthday, and while I have had some or happiest times in Singapore, it is occasions like this where the absence of friends and family from your home country is felt most deeply. It’s as if I could feel each and every step of the 10,800 km that separates you from the home in which you grew up in. As I sat up on my bed, and walked across to my kitchen, my girlfriend was instructing me to go back into the bedroom. I had no idea what was in store for me. She soon called me back into the living room, and said: “I have a very special day planned for you my dear, all I ask is that you keep an eye on your phone.”
She did not disappoint. Over the course of the day, I received 60 different video messages from friends and family across the world. I was overwhelmed with happiness. It’s as if at that point technology had help us overcome those 10,800km, and I was sitting at home in my family living room opening cards and sharing laughs all together. It turns out my girlfriend had spent the preceding weeks contacting each and everyone of the people closest to me, and asked them to send across a message. While it was the videos that brought about that moment of unexpected happiness, I cannot underplay the thoughtfulness of my partner in bringing about this moment. Her actions bring me moments of unexpected happiness each and every day, and I feel so grateful to have this person by my side, scaling the vast and unexpected mountain that is life.
It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
I Have high IQ but low EQ. I think I may be happier the other way round.
Feeling responsible all the time. Loving being alone. Hiding from the world because highly intelligente.
Lazy lazy lasy
I like to please everyone and wants everyone to like me, but i dont like it. I hate being a doormat because i cant say no. And when i do share my feeling about how i feel to a particular person, i am deemed as rude. Sometimes i feel left out when it comes to friends. To be honest i rather live in solitude then live with my family because i want peace. Sometimes i wake up to my mum and grandma arguing. Sometimes my mum and dad. Sometimes i wake up and she argues with me. I just want a friend that doesnt take me for granted and just be there and if i cant get that. I rather be alone and live alone. Painting and drawing. I am happy though, because even though negativity outweighs my life more, doesnt mean i have to be negative. I am positive and i know one day ill be happy in an apartment i will buy and be a painter or an artist and just be content with life.
I like adventures, I like climbing buildings. It makes me feel free and happy.
Staying in Koya-san changed me inside out, helped me to see what is and is not important and why getting upset about petty things is self-destructive.
I have rediscovered my love of life, after many years of struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I really feel blessed
I don't think I want kids, but I feel compelled to have 1
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation with my friends. But many of these friends don't know that I'm still a virgin and have never been in any intimate situation before. The few instances that I confessed about this, I felt the other person judging me. I wish I could really own the term "virgin" and say it with confidence, but I'm still learning to destigmatize the term even for myself. One way I'm doing this is through writing. I'm learning that I don't have to go through something directly in order to write about it. Lewis Carroll was never a girl, and that didn't stop him from writing Alice in Wonderland. So even if I'm a virgin, I can still write about intimate experiences set in a fictional world.
Think to be more relaxed
I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing
Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.
When I experience the energies of the universe, in its subtlest and truest forms, it connects me to my higher awareness. As an artist and a spiritual seeker, I am mesmerized by the beauty and the afflictions the senses and the feelings that are created like a ripple in the water. I call it my Inner Dimensions.
When I was 5 years old my Indonesian helper got possessed and chased after me and my younger sister with a chopper. I have been stalked before and during a five-year period, was attacked by different men each year. I was my happiest and fittest then, full of dreams and ambition. It is why I have been scared to be happy and rise into my own power again as I am afraid of the terrible ways it could be taken away from me. I tried to kill myself several times after that but each time I was saved miraculously. My upbringing and the deep shame meant most people had no idea I was going through a daily hell. Ironically everyone thought I was a happy, carefree, confident and outgoing person. I started surviving by expressing myself more creatively, connecting more with all forms of artistic expression and believing in higher powers beyond the physical human existence. My interest in the arts blossomed even more after all these experiences and I saw how they had the power to transmute our shadows towards a more healing energy and a sense of the larger things beyond you and it reminded you of beauty. My writing developed more complexity than before as now I was facing my shadows and having the courage to process them. I have been healing myself over the years and now am grateful for these experiences as I have helped other survivors and can look them in the eyes and actually say, "I truly understand you." and offer ways to support and to empower them with more self-love. Now I am ready to rise again and telling this story this time, after having made steady progress towards healing by loving myself more, is deeply empowering. As 1 in 5 females are attacked each year, 99% by a male they know and often trust, I know that someone reading this will receive comfort. There is no shame, don't blame yourself, don't let them take away your power. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are loveable, you are safe to be who you truly are and you are love. Thank you Nicola for giving me a safe space to share part of my life's story.
There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave, he will always be part of me and I will learn to let go, someday. Or I might never be able to do that.
The knowledge that every breath we take leads us closer to our deaths, is something I find difficult to take in.