I am person who really not say been through alot but i would like to say going through times where i got scolded and punished by my parents, i really hope that a have a 2nd personality to cope with me through those times. I have stolen from my family a number of times, some might say i am young.. well i have to agree but now thinking back , Hey! I just wanted to be noticed. I was the oldest out of 3 children, and i was always told since i am the oldest i have to set an example. But now i know, i am me, not an example, i want to try and find the path i want to go and strive towards it, I am not the oldest I am me.
A part of me believe, I am something more than I am now. But a part of me disagree with that. I am searching for something but I do not know what it is. I am a dreamer but I am also a realist.
Life is interesting and it's always moving but sometimes I wished it could go slower or stop when I am exhausted or even skip some parts of it and just get to the easy part. But thats what makes life is. Something you can actually control little by little even if you do not have the courage or faith to do so but you'll learn to dance even in the storm.
I have realised that I've been thrown into a fire by my colleagues. Rather than saving me with water, they poured oil into it instead. No one thought me anything. No one helped. Left out there to survive on my own. Was it wrong to pity them? Was it wrong to help them?
I don't think I want kids, but I feel compelled to have 1
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really good person, i admit. I have a group of friends who are really good people but somehow lost contact with them after (primary school) graduation. I want to thank them for the short but fond memories and thank them for making my life more colourful. I once had a clique but the friendship did not end off well (because of me) and I just cut ties. I would like to thank them for those memories and lessons which help me to grow into a more independent person. I have supportive teachers (especially those who had not gave up on me after seeing those horrifying marks on my paper)who give encouragements. Thank you for all the efforts and hard work put in. Please remember to rest well. I have pockets of friends in school who I really get along with. They make my life more interesting and meaningful. Thank you for that one friend who constantly supports and stay by my side when I was at that depressing stage where I couldn't pick myself up. Please don't care about what others think and do what you love, and more importantly be yourself. I love my CCA- Choir. Choir is like my second family and I do feel that I belong there, it's filled with loving people. Thank you choir members (seniors, juniors and secondary 4 batch) for making long and tiring sessions more fun throughout the 4years (and all those crazy moments HAHAAHHAHAHA) and thank you conductor for where we are now (both in choir and life) and teachers who constantly guide us. I have a loving family. Thank you for enduring my nonsense and sorry for those times when I had hurt you all with my sharp tongue. I am sorry.
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really really good person...an average person? I feel happy when schoolmates who were once classmates still say hi to me. I say hi to the aunties and uncles in school and it makes me happy as all of them would smile back and say hi too (some even asking if I had lunch already). Sometimes when returning plates, I would tell the canteen vendors that i really like the food and thank them. Sometimes, i feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Sometimes, i like to be alone. Occasionally, i would draw but my drawing is not that good. Sometimes, i would sing to myself but stop when people pass by. Sometimes, i read. Or other times, i would just nap. I feel irritated when people smokes near me. I feel irritated when people seems to be in a rush to somewhere (but maybe they are rushing home to meet their love ones, I'll never know). I want to sing out loud in the parade square. I want to dance in the parade square (though I don't really know how to dance). I want to scream in the parade square, telling people i love and hate and love and hate and love them. I want to let myself all out. Conflicted feelings. I don't like people to tell me what to do with that 'ordering people around' attitude. I like freedom but not too much. Once, two teachers were discussing about what to do with my work. Being bored, i had small talks with other classmates. Then, one of them asked me who's work is that and who's responsibility (for the work). I felt stressed after that (though it's my fault for not listening attentively to their discussion). I felt like throwing up whenever I saw or heard one of them for the rest of the day. (Luckily one friend of mine provide me with gummy bears, it helps) Later that evening I talked back to my parents due to some minor conflicts and immediatwly ran to vomited my dinner out. I then broke down in the dark bedroom. I then slept. I used to go outing around places by my own (i dare not ask anyone to accompany me). I like museums. They makes me feel calm and makes me think out of the box. Those interesting works makes my brain filled with imaginations out of the world and expose me to new ideas. Mind and eye opener, i guess. Sometimes, i get lost(literally) but it allows me to find out things that people will not usually notice. I remember that outing with sec4 choir members, it was really fun and I hope to have such an outing with them again in near future. I have a decent life but sometimes, i feel like I don't belong anywhere. Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting someone to hug you tightly but no one was there for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting to chat with someone of your deep night thoughts but then realise there is no one there for you to do that? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night after thinking what a disappointment you are after not meeting expectations people set for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night because you keep thinking that what if you had not done that or said that or saw that or heard that or knew that? What if? What if you just disappeared, without anyone knowing? Will anyone know? Will anyone care? Or what if you are just a minor role in people's daily life- it won't matter if you're not there...right? Sometimes, i have this sudden motivation to write short notes or long letters, pouring out all my emotions to those significant individuals in my life, telling them how grateful to have them in my life, to thank them for tolerating me and tell them that i really love them. Will they smile after reading the letter? Will they feel my emotions through the letter? Will they still remember me after many years had gone by? I am afraid. I've always think that people i know do have their own lives and friends and family that mean a lot to them, and I should not disturb them. I am just playing a minor role in their lifes. I mean, after graduation, people just move on...right? At new places, they will make new friends, and the cycle continues. (not saying that new beginnings are bad) Relationships (or bondings) will end, am i afraid. One thing I've vowed to myself is that, even if they forgot me, I'll never forget them. I shall carry all the past memories and carry on with my life, i hope. I don't really trust people. Sometimes, people who see me in school asked if I'm okay(thank you people i love y'all) or i simply need more sleep, I'll answer them that I'm just tired. (Sometimes they'll joking ask if I'm physical, emotional or psychological tired) I don't really trust people with my personal problems. I dare not trouble them. I can't imagine pouring all my deep down and long hidden emotions, showing someone all my insecurities, just no. It feels... so naked. I am afraid to let anyone saw the 'raw', realest me(i tend to fool around on the outside, or both inside-out when I'm really happy). Just be strong, i tell myself, and everything will be okay. Really. I see people struggling with their life too. I sincerely (i may or may not sound hypocritical here, i am not a really really good person) hope that they would overcome the challenges, learn meaningful lessons and after time, they'll look back and have a good laugh. I once told myself that this is my life - my one and only life - and I should make it interesting. Should I still hold everything to myself or just let myself out, be the realest self and enjoy life? Should I? I mean, a smooth journey will not be as exciting as a roller coaster ride, am i right? Time shall see.
Oh, one more thing about me. I really love chinese!
I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing
I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....
The real me is really confused, about various aspects of life whether it be career, finance, sexuality, relationship-wise, goals, and personality. On the outside i’m this fun bubbly and also smiling girl but deep down, I'm constantly searching for ways to be cool, to be liked by everyone - to be everyone’s best friend. People might think it’s just a transitional phase in life. But I don’t think there's anything wrong with being confused. Not being sure of anything gives grey areas to the black and white, mobility to the restrained and room for creativity to the narrow-mindedness. It’s a challenge. But if it’s part of the everyday life, I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities. The real me wants to believe all of that.
My secret is a shyness so fundamental, it is strategic and self-sabotaging. Nobody, not even those closest to me, would ever know or suspect it.
My life is a voyage across the oceans, quite literally and on the way I am learning a lot about the people I meet, the people I call family and friends and the person I am.
My life changing moment was facing the possibility of drowning at sea when our boat lost its rudder in the Atlantic, I survived and am confident now that I can surmount anything else that's thrown at me.
I am irrationally ideological but not critical
I believe in goodness in humanity but believe I am disillusioned. I believe in mind over body, believe in contentment for happiness. But I allow my body to fool my mind, and allow worldly desire to dissatisfy my contentment.
A dichotomy of belief clouds my aura.