Everyday truth becomes suppressed, manipulated, dishonoured
Staying in Koya-san changed me inside out, helped me to see what is and is not important and why getting upset about petty things is self-destructive.
I have rediscovered my love of life, after many years of struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I really feel blessed
I don't think I want kids, but I feel compelled to have 1
I wanted to be a superhero, to save the world and make it whole again. Thinking about it now though, I wished someone told me it is okay to be your own superhero.
I decided to stop taking my depression medication for a few months, and I can feel myself falling back into a bad place again. It has been a long fight and honestly there are so many times I want to give in and give up on everything in my life.
The worst part is that I have to mask my condition, and I managed get through till my last year in university, but I am so afraid that in this final year when it counts the most, would be the time that I will fall again. And the strangest part is that I study in a social science course that is suppose to help people, and yet I am unable to help myself. And I feel most ashamed of that, and that I don't have the right to help others because I cannot even help myself.
I cheated, I destroyed her life, I let people who once loved me dearly down. And right now, ironically, I am asking my friend not to cheat on her fiance. Totally laughable. #iamsorry
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
1. I beat cancer thrice. 2. I cheat death every day.
"I am an unstable isotope—an anomaly; a rogue; a deviation from the conventional elements. I want to glow with radioactive effervescence for as long as my decaying life can last, and go out with a bang in a nuclear explosion."
3. Most days I feel suffocated. 4. Anger feels like acid coursing through my veins.
"The scariest moment in my life was when I was fully awake but I could not breath, I could not talk, and I could not move. My lungs felt like they had turned to stone and the intense panic from asphyxiation with my eyes wide open made me realise how insufferable it would be to be awake yet dying."
5. I dream of love and life
"June 6: I find myself missing you already. Because you were there when I was most vulnerable and you let me hold your hand until I fell asleep."
I feel like I distract myself from a lot of things that go on in my life. I try to hide or mask away the confusion or unhappiness with friends and laughter. Yes, I am genuinely content with my circle of friends but there are just times where one feels inferior. Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be intelligent? I know these things are far from what matter in life. Things that should matter are values and beliefs and sincerity but I can't help but to think about these factors about my life. They affect your self-esteem and social circle so much. I'm so afraid of doing something that will cause unrest in others. I don't want to be ostracised and left out. Everyone wants to feel included and feel a sense of belonging. I know i'm not the only one that feels all this but at the same time, I want to be all these things. I'm scared but I don't show it to others. I want to be loved and to love others. I don't know how or what is my true self anymore. I'm scared to be real. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared of being different but i hate being typical. I don't know what to do.
I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation with my friends. But many of these friends don't know that I'm still a virgin and have never been in any intimate situation before. The few instances that I confessed about this, I felt the other person judging me. I wish I could really own the term "virgin" and say it with confidence, but I'm still learning to destigmatize the term even for myself. One way I'm doing this is through writing. I'm learning that I don't have to go through something directly in order to write about it. Lewis Carroll was never a girl, and that didn't stop him from writing Alice in Wonderland. So even if I'm a virgin, I can still write about intimate experiences set in a fictional world.
Think to be more relaxed
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really good person, i admit. I have a group of friends who are really good people but somehow lost contact with them after (primary school) graduation. I want to thank them for the short but fond memories and thank them for making my life more colourful. I once had a clique but the friendship did not end off well (because of me) and I just cut ties. I would like to thank them for those memories and lessons which help me to grow into a more independent person. I have supportive teachers (especially those who had not gave up on me after seeing those horrifying marks on my paper)who give encouragements. Thank you for all the efforts and hard work put in. Please remember to rest well. I have pockets of friends in school who I really get along with. They make my life more interesting and meaningful. Thank you for that one friend who constantly supports and stay by my side when I was at that depressing stage where I couldn't pick myself up. Please don't care about what others think and do what you love, and more importantly be yourself. I love my CCA- Choir. Choir is like my second family and I do feel that I belong there, it's filled with loving people. Thank you choir members (seniors, juniors and secondary 4 batch) for making long and tiring sessions more fun throughout the 4years (and all those crazy moments HAHAAHHAHAHA) and thank you conductor for where we are now (both in choir and life) and teachers who constantly guide us. I have a loving family. Thank you for enduring my nonsense and sorry for those times when I had hurt you all with my sharp tongue. I am sorry.
I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really really good person...an average person? I feel happy when schoolmates who were once classmates still say hi to me. I say hi to the aunties and uncles in school and it makes me happy as all of them would smile back and say hi too (some even asking if I had lunch already). Sometimes when returning plates, I would tell the canteen vendors that i really like the food and thank them. Sometimes, i feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Sometimes, i like to be alone. Occasionally, i would draw but my drawing is not that good. Sometimes, i would sing to myself but stop when people pass by. Sometimes, i read. Or other times, i would just nap. I feel irritated when people smokes near me. I feel irritated when people seems to be in a rush to somewhere (but maybe they are rushing home to meet their love ones, I'll never know). I want to sing out loud in the parade square. I want to dance in the parade square (though I don't really know how to dance). I want to scream in the parade square, telling people i love and hate and love and hate and love them. I want to let myself all out. Conflicted feelings. I don't like people to tell me what to do with that 'ordering people around' attitude. I like freedom but not too much. Once, two teachers were discussing about what to do with my work. Being bored, i had small talks with other classmates. Then, one of them asked me who's work is that and who's responsibility (for the work). I felt stressed after that (though it's my fault for not listening attentively to their discussion). I felt like throwing up whenever I saw or heard one of them for the rest of the day. (Luckily one friend of mine provide me with gummy bears, it helps) Later that evening I talked back to my parents due to some minor conflicts and immediatwly ran to vomited my dinner out. I then broke down in the dark bedroom. I then slept. I used to go outing around places by my own (i dare not ask anyone to accompany me). I like museums. They makes me feel calm and makes me think out of the box. Those interesting works makes my brain filled with imaginations out of the world and expose me to new ideas. Mind and eye opener, i guess. Sometimes, i get lost(literally) but it allows me to find out things that people will not usually notice. I remember that outing with sec4 choir members, it was really fun and I hope to have such an outing with them again in near future. I have a decent life but sometimes, i feel like I don't belong anywhere. Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting someone to hug you tightly but no one was there for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting to chat with someone of your deep night thoughts but then realise there is no one there for you to do that? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night after thinking what a disappointment you are after not meeting expectations people set for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night because you keep thinking that what if you had not done that or said that or saw that or heard that or knew that? What if? What if you just disappeared, without anyone knowing? Will anyone know? Will anyone care? Or what if you are just a minor role in people's daily life- it won't matter if you're not there...right? Sometimes, i have this sudden motivation to write short notes or long letters, pouring out all my emotions to those significant individuals in my life, telling them how grateful to have them in my life, to thank them for tolerating me and tell them that i really love them. Will they smile after reading the letter? Will they feel my emotions through the letter? Will they still remember me after many years had gone by? I am afraid. I've always think that people i know do have their own lives and friends and family that mean a lot to them, and I should not disturb them. I am just playing a minor role in their lifes. I mean, after graduation, people just move on...right? At new places, they will make new friends, and the cycle continues. (not saying that new beginnings are bad) Relationships (or bondings) will end, am i afraid. One thing I've vowed to myself is that, even if they forgot me, I'll never forget them. I shall carry all the past memories and carry on with my life, i hope. I don't really trust people. Sometimes, people who see me in school asked if I'm okay(thank you people i love y'all) or i simply need more sleep, I'll answer them that I'm just tired. (Sometimes they'll joking ask if I'm physical, emotional or psychological tired) I don't really trust people with my personal problems. I dare not trouble them. I can't imagine pouring all my deep down and long hidden emotions, showing someone all my insecurities, just no. It feels... so naked. I am afraid to let anyone saw the 'raw', realest me(i tend to fool around on the outside, or both inside-out when I'm really happy). Just be strong, i tell myself, and everything will be okay. Really. I see people struggling with their life too. I sincerely (i may or may not sound hypocritical here, i am not a really really good person) hope that they would overcome the challenges, learn meaningful lessons and after time, they'll look back and have a good laugh. I once told myself that this is my life - my one and only life - and I should make it interesting. Should I still hold everything to myself or just let myself out, be the realest self and enjoy life? Should I? I mean, a smooth journey will not be as exciting as a roller coaster ride, am i right? Time shall see.
Oh, one more thing about me. I really love chinese!
I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing
Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.
I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....
I'm anxious and a hypochondriac. I fall into a slump halfway through every school year. I love staying up late at night and going to the beach when i'm feeling lonely. I hate when children scream in enclosed spaces. I've had an anime phase, a writer's phase, and a drawing phase. I want to learn how to dance and how to play the electric bass. I love cats so much but i'm tragically allergic. I get migraines when I cry and I get the runs when i get too nervous. Speaking in front of a crowd leaves me shaky and out of it. I have a habit of peeling my nails when i (over)think. I love my friends and we're close but I'm sometimes afraid that i love them more than they love me. I want to be close to my family but we have spent so much time growing apart that it's hard...but we try anyway and I think it's getting better. I want to have an open heart but it's hard to be soft-hearted in this world. I want to learn a lot of things but no money no time (that's a lie, i waste too much time). I hope God is real and I hope He forgives me.
The first girl I loved(ish) broke me but at least now I know that no matter what and no matter how long it takes I will heal and I will grow and things will always be okay eventually, even if it might not seem that way while you're in it. And also that good communication is easily one of the most important things to have, ever. I learnt that you have to hold on to the people whom you love and who love you, and that since we all die anyway there's no harm in trying and taking chances and fighting for your right to live as much as you can.
I'm feeling nervous about university and moving to a new country. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know if our relationship will stand the distance. I don't want to get married and I dont want to have children because it feels like the moment you do one of them, the other gets expected of you and then you slowly transform into nothing more than mother, wife.... maybe it's selfish but I want to have my life to live. Even though I'm dating a boy I also want to date a girl someday too...but for now we are happy and I am content and thankful and I know that when I leave I'll miss him like mad.
I'm worried about my brother. He doesnt talk to me much but I hope his heart is okay and I hope he has people he trusts. I hope he knows that I love him. I tell him sometimes but I dont know if he believes me.
I've had to talk a friend out of suicide a couple times now and I really really hope she makes it through and finds what she's looking for. If this is a wishing tree of some kind then I wish for her happiness and strength and ability to trust others and to love and be kinder to herself.
I wish my childhood traumas and bullying weren't so deeply embedded in my psyche but I guess the years just pile on like layers or tree rings and the bad memories stay on as peas between mattresses, resurfacing themselves as flashbacks and moments of paranoia, self-hatred and pity... but I am better than that, i am stronger than that, I'm learning to love and know myself and what happened back then does not define me now or ever. (I say that now but sometimes it's a bit hard to believe my own words)
I worry about the world and the climate; I worry about the possibility of a nuclear war and I worry about people caught in genocides and refugee camps and in prison. It feels like such an acute ache and yet I feel so powerless to make any sort of change.
I don't know what to think about Singapore - we have our bads and goods - there are things that we need to ease up on and change but every country is different and too much facebook criticism i think sometimes becomes irrelevant and pointless negativity...
I suppose as of now i'm happy. But worried. Apprehensive and unsure. But I don't think i will ever be 100 percent ready to live? I guess what really matters is that we try, since in the grand scheme of things we don't matter that much after all. Even after the human race dies out this dumb space rock will still turn among the stars and life will adapt (granted we dont fuck it up too badly) so why the hell not?
No one knows that I still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...
I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)
My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.