I'm anxious and a hypochondriac. I fall into a slump halfway through every school year. I love staying up late at night and going to the beach when i'm feeling lonely. I hate when children scream in enclosed spaces. I've had an anime phase, a writer's phase, and a drawing phase. I want to learn how to dance and how to play the electric bass. I love cats so much but i'm tragically allergic. I get migraines when I cry and I get the runs when i get too nervous. Speaking in front of a crowd leaves me shaky and out of it. I have a habit of peeling my nails when i (over)think. I love my friends and we're close but I'm sometimes afraid that i love them more than they love me. I want to be close to my family but we have spent so much time growing apart that it's hard...but we try anyway and I think it's getting better. I want to have an open heart but it's hard to be soft-hearted in this world. I want to learn a lot of things but no money no time (that's a lie, i waste too much time). I hope God is real and I hope He forgives me.
The first girl I loved(ish) broke me but at least now I know that no matter what and no matter how long it takes I will heal and I will grow and things will always be okay eventually, even if it might not seem that way while you're in it. And also that good communication is easily one of the most important things to have, ever. I learnt that you have to hold on to the people whom you love and who love you, and that since we all die anyway there's no harm in trying and taking chances and fighting for your right to live as much as you can.
I'm feeling nervous about university and moving to a new country. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know if our relationship will stand the distance. I don't want to get married and I dont want to have children because it feels like the moment you do one of them, the other gets expected of you and then you slowly transform into nothing more than mother, wife.... maybe it's selfish but I want to have my life to live. Even though I'm dating a boy I also want to date a girl someday too...but for now we are happy and I am content and thankful and I know that when I leave I'll miss him like mad.
I'm worried about my brother. He doesnt talk to me much but I hope his heart is okay and I hope he has people he trusts. I hope he knows that I love him. I tell him sometimes but I dont know if he believes me.
I've had to talk a friend out of suicide a couple times now and I really really hope she makes it through and finds what she's looking for. If this is a wishing tree of some kind then I wish for her happiness and strength and ability to trust others and to love and be kinder to herself.
I wish my childhood traumas and bullying weren't so deeply embedded in my psyche but I guess the years just pile on like layers or tree rings and the bad memories stay on as peas between mattresses, resurfacing themselves as flashbacks and moments of paranoia, self-hatred and pity... but I am better than that, i am stronger than that, I'm learning to love and know myself and what happened back then does not define me now or ever. (I say that now but sometimes it's a bit hard to believe my own words)
I worry about the world and the climate; I worry about the possibility of a nuclear war and I worry about people caught in genocides and refugee camps and in prison. It feels like such an acute ache and yet I feel so powerless to make any sort of change.
I don't know what to think about Singapore - we have our bads and goods - there are things that we need to ease up on and change but every country is different and too much facebook criticism i think sometimes becomes irrelevant and pointless negativity...
I suppose as of now i'm happy. But worried. Apprehensive and unsure. But I don't think i will ever be 100 percent ready to live? I guess what really matters is that we try, since in the grand scheme of things we don't matter that much after all. Even after the human race dies out this dumb space rock will still turn among the stars and life will adapt (granted we dont fuck it up too badly) so why the hell not?