I am happy because I finally realised I am the love I have always wanted and deserve. That we are each a you-niverse of infinite possibilities. That I am and we are slowly unlearning our way into unconditional love. That the first step is self-care. That loving yourself is one step closer to loving nature and others in an authentic, sustainable, centered way. I am grateful.
I climbed 2700 ft up a hill in Yorkshire. Ingleborough one of the highest peaks in The Dales. At the top I saw a huge steel cage. Locked in were Ravens and Blackbirds. Scattered on the floor were dead new born lambs for the birds to eat but no water. I went up to the cage and saw the sad eyes of the birds. I felt great sorrow. In an instant without thinking I went around the cage and saw a panel that could be moved. Suddenly my small body filled with strength as I pulled at the panel of steel bars. With all my might I strained and shifted the panel just a few inches. The birds flew to the gap and escaped flying upwards. I shouted ''be free my friends'', as they circled above me. I felt unimaginable joy as I descended the hill. A small Robin Redbreast followed behind me for a long while. Sweetly singing as if to thank me. I discovered later that farmers trap Ravens to protect newborn lambs and also feed them dead lambs that didn’t survive birth. I still feel the joy I felt when I see Ravens.
It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
Feeling responsible all the time. Loving being alone. Hiding from the world because highly intelligente.
Lazy lazy lasy
A part of me believe, I am something more than I am now. But a part of me disagree with that. I am searching for something but I do not know what it is. I am a dreamer but I am also a realist.
Life is interesting and it's always moving but sometimes I wished it could go slower or stop when I am exhausted or even skip some parts of it and just get to the easy part. But thats what makes life is. Something you can actually control little by little even if you do not have the courage or faith to do so but you'll learn to dance even in the storm.
I was once bullied by a group of friends. They called me names and badmouthed me and I was not invited to any of their programmes/activities. I was hurt but I managed to pull through and I feel that I have became strong and hopefully in the future I will not be devastated if it happens again.
I have rediscovered my love of life, after many years of struggling with self doubt and insecurity. I really feel blessed
I wanted to be a superhero, to save the world and make it whole again. Thinking about it now though, I wished someone told me it is okay to be your own superhero.
I cheated, I destroyed her life, I let people who once loved me dearly down. And right now, ironically, I am asking my friend not to cheat on her fiance. Totally laughable. #iamsorry
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
I feel like I distract myself from a lot of things that go on in my life. I try to hide or mask away the confusion or unhappiness with friends and laughter. Yes, I am genuinely content with my circle of friends but there are just times where one feels inferior. Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be intelligent? I know these things are far from what matter in life. Things that should matter are values and beliefs and sincerity but I can't help but to think about these factors about my life. They affect your self-esteem and social circle so much. I'm so afraid of doing something that will cause unrest in others. I don't want to be ostracised and left out. Everyone wants to feel included and feel a sense of belonging. I know i'm not the only one that feels all this but at the same time, I want to be all these things. I'm scared but I don't show it to others. I want to be loved and to love others. I don't know how or what is my true self anymore. I'm scared to be real. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared of being different but i hate being typical. I don't know what to do.
Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.
I'm anxious and a hypochondriac. I fall into a slump halfway through every school year. I love staying up late at night and going to the beach when i'm feeling lonely. I hate when children scream in enclosed spaces. I've had an anime phase, a writer's phase, and a drawing phase. I want to learn how to dance and how to play the electric bass. I love cats so much but i'm tragically allergic. I get migraines when I cry and I get the runs when i get too nervous. Speaking in front of a crowd leaves me shaky and out of it. I have a habit of peeling my nails when i (over)think. I love my friends and we're close but I'm sometimes afraid that i love them more than they love me. I want to be close to my family but we have spent so much time growing apart that it's hard...but we try anyway and I think it's getting better. I want to have an open heart but it's hard to be soft-hearted in this world. I want to learn a lot of things but no money no time (that's a lie, i waste too much time). I hope God is real and I hope He forgives me.
The first girl I loved(ish) broke me but at least now I know that no matter what and no matter how long it takes I will heal and I will grow and things will always be okay eventually, even if it might not seem that way while you're in it. And also that good communication is easily one of the most important things to have, ever. I learnt that you have to hold on to the people whom you love and who love you, and that since we all die anyway there's no harm in trying and taking chances and fighting for your right to live as much as you can.
I'm feeling nervous about university and moving to a new country. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know if our relationship will stand the distance. I don't want to get married and I dont want to have children because it feels like the moment you do one of them, the other gets expected of you and then you slowly transform into nothing more than mother, wife.... maybe it's selfish but I want to have my life to live. Even though I'm dating a boy I also want to date a girl someday too...but for now we are happy and I am content and thankful and I know that when I leave I'll miss him like mad.
I'm worried about my brother. He doesnt talk to me much but I hope his heart is okay and I hope he has people he trusts. I hope he knows that I love him. I tell him sometimes but I dont know if he believes me.
I've had to talk a friend out of suicide a couple times now and I really really hope she makes it through and finds what she's looking for. If this is a wishing tree of some kind then I wish for her happiness and strength and ability to trust others and to love and be kinder to herself.
I wish my childhood traumas and bullying weren't so deeply embedded in my psyche but I guess the years just pile on like layers or tree rings and the bad memories stay on as peas between mattresses, resurfacing themselves as flashbacks and moments of paranoia, self-hatred and pity... but I am better than that, i am stronger than that, I'm learning to love and know myself and what happened back then does not define me now or ever. (I say that now but sometimes it's a bit hard to believe my own words)
I worry about the world and the climate; I worry about the possibility of a nuclear war and I worry about people caught in genocides and refugee camps and in prison. It feels like such an acute ache and yet I feel so powerless to make any sort of change.
I don't know what to think about Singapore - we have our bads and goods - there are things that we need to ease up on and change but every country is different and too much facebook criticism i think sometimes becomes irrelevant and pointless negativity...
I suppose as of now i'm happy. But worried. Apprehensive and unsure. But I don't think i will ever be 100 percent ready to live? I guess what really matters is that we try, since in the grand scheme of things we don't matter that much after all. Even after the human race dies out this dumb space rock will still turn among the stars and life will adapt (granted we dont fuck it up too badly) so why the hell not?
No one knows that I still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...
I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)
I think from all the experiences I've had up till now, I realized how strongly I can feel towards something and i really think that it is a blessing.
I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.
What I fear most in life is when everyone turn their back on me. Leaving me in an empty corner, abandoned.
Friends didn't understand why I hate my mother because they didn't know that she gave up on me when I was 12 year old going on 13. I could still remember the disappointment and irk in her eyes when she knew my PSLE result and realised that I would not be able to enter the same secondary school as my elder sibling. Every meet-the-parent session was attended by my father since then, because I was nothing but a failure to her.
Today, I have a well-paying job after completing my university studies and I do want to thank her for giving birth to me, but I don't love her, at all.
When I was 5 years old my Indonesian helper got possessed and chased after me and my younger sister with a chopper. I have been stalked before and during a five-year period, was attacked by different men each year. I was my happiest and fittest then, full of dreams and ambition. It is why I have been scared to be happy and rise into my own power again as I am afraid of the terrible ways it could be taken away from me. I tried to kill myself several times after that but each time I was saved miraculously. My upbringing and the deep shame meant most people had no idea I was going through a daily hell. Ironically everyone thought I was a happy, carefree, confident and outgoing person. I started surviving by expressing myself more creatively, connecting more with all forms of artistic expression and believing in higher powers beyond the physical human existence. My interest in the arts blossomed even more after all these experiences and I saw how they had the power to transmute our shadows towards a more healing energy and a sense of the larger things beyond you and it reminded you of beauty. My writing developed more complexity than before as now I was facing my shadows and having the courage to process them. I have been healing myself over the years and now am grateful for these experiences as I have helped other survivors and can look them in the eyes and actually say, "I truly understand you." and offer ways to support and to empower them with more self-love. Now I am ready to rise again and telling this story this time, after having made steady progress towards healing by loving myself more, is deeply empowering. As 1 in 5 females are attacked each year, 99% by a male they know and often trust, I know that someone reading this will receive comfort. There is no shame, don't blame yourself, don't let them take away your power. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are loveable, you are safe to be who you truly are and you are love. Thank you Nicola for giving me a safe space to share part of my life's story.
The knowledge that every breath we take leads us closer to our deaths, is something I find difficult to take in.