It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
I was once sure of what I wanted, when I was a child. But as I grew up, I realised my options grew with me too. So I tried to narrow them down to a few routes. And I started walking on those routes. And so, I walked and walked even as the ground started to feel more bumpy and I started regretting and doubting. Was it because, I really wasn't as good as I thought? Why did I feel stumped the more further away I went and my shoulders heavier with the weight of doubt and insecurity?
When I was young, whenever I felt downtrodden by my failures, somehow I had the drive to go on. In the past, things were clearer to me, which road I would take and not look back. But now, I look down and the road has stopped. Countless times, I have looked back, unsure of my decisions. Now I am blocked by my own fear. I see people far away, achieving greater things yet they are so much younger than me. I know it doesn't actually matter the age as long as you keep trying, but with each tick-tocking, I feel rushed. Rushed to not disappoint my younger self, to reach somewhere, to achieve something. As the time passes, the sound grows louder and faster. And yet, I find myself on a standstill. Turning back from where I am, I no longer know where I want to go, the directions in my mind are a jumbled mess. What am I going to do now? The roads are no longer clear to me. All I can see is shadows of past dreams and windows gloating at me , the success that seems unreachable, that I didn't try hard enough. That I wouldn't make it anywhere. That I am nothing. So I close my eyes and try to sleep these feelings away.
I am person who really not say been through alot but i would like to say going through times where i got scolded and punished by my parents, i really hope that a have a 2nd personality to cope with me through those times. I have stolen from my family a number of times, some might say i am young.. well i have to agree but now thinking back , Hey! I just wanted to be noticed. I was the oldest out of 3 children, and i was always told since i am the oldest i have to set an example. But now i know, i am me, not an example, i want to try and find the path i want to go and strive towards it, I am not the oldest I am me.
I am male, I am a brother, I am happy, I am confused, I am searching for something, I have Faith, I am a dreamer, I am stressed, I have lied.
I am from China,currently studying in SG.I am 19 years old now and I celebrated 3 birthday here.(which means that I live in sg about 3 years already)
I realize that time flies and I always feel a bit sad because I do not really like Singapore since it is not what I think it is before I come here,the accent, the environment (a small city). However,I don't hate this city cuz it is very safe and clean. I have signed a contract with poly which requires me to work in sg for 3 years after graduation,this really make me unhappy since I want to spend that 3 years in other countries,I want to explore more. I have friends here ,closed friends,but I don't know why I feel lonely quite often,my first sem 's GPA is quite low so I am stressed now ... but I believe effort never lies, gonna try my best in this sem.
For 2 years I had the deepest infatuation for her, poured my heart and soul into her, but she didn't like me at all. After 2 years, she told me she told me the opposite. But by then, I left her and I was gone. Ironically, both of us were shattered. But, I still miss her.
I've been through a lot of online 'relationships'. At the end of the day, it was just helping much older men pleasure themselves. I was too young, and I never should've started, but I don't know why I didn't stop, either. Maybe it was the power I had over them- a young child, reigning over an older man's pleasure? The control I didn't have in my life, I had it online. To me, then, it was like I was living a double life. It was thrilling, and my friends would always look up at me for the experiences I had.
Of course, that quickly led to a exposure that happened too young; too fast.
I never saw their face, and they never saw mine, but being in direct control over their pleasure had a certain sort of intimacy which you couldn't find at my age. By then, I'd been hit on, used as mastrubation material, had over half a dozen unwarranted, inappropriate pictures shoved in my face, and even called a slut simply because I refused to sext with him anymore. Recently, someone even tried to blackmail me with pictures that he didn't have- a bluff he called a joke.
I've also met some in real life, and some have lead to experiences that sometimes, I wasn't so sure of. But it was always about the fun, about the stress relief it brought. On the other hand...I've always wondered, if because of these past experiences, I would become undesirable to the people I'm romantically attracted to. Already because of my gender and sexuality, but with these past experiences...who knows, though, because I've always been rejected by them.
The irony. Chased after by those I don't want, and rejected by those I do.
A part of me believe, I am something more than I am now. But a part of me disagree with that. I am searching for something but I do not know what it is. I am a dreamer but I am also a realist.
Life is interesting and it's always moving but sometimes I wished it could go slower or stop when I am exhausted or even skip some parts of it and just get to the easy part. But thats what makes life is. Something you can actually control little by little even if you do not have the courage or faith to do so but you'll learn to dance even in the storm.
I like adventures, I like climbing buildings. It makes me feel free and happy.
I have realised that I've been thrown into a fire by my colleagues. Rather than saving me with water, they poured oil into it instead. No one thought me anything. No one helped. Left out there to survive on my own. Was it wrong to pity them? Was it wrong to help them?
Life is about true happiness that only we can give ourselves.
Everyday truth becomes suppressed, manipulated, dishonoured
I wanted to be a superhero, to save the world and make it whole again. Thinking about it now though, I wished someone told me it is okay to be your own superhero.
I decided to stop taking my depression medication for a few months, and I can feel myself falling back into a bad place again. It has been a long fight and honestly there are so many times I want to give in and give up on everything in my life.
The worst part is that I have to mask my condition, and I managed get through till my last year in university, but I am so afraid that in this final year when it counts the most, would be the time that I will fall again. And the strangest part is that I study in a social science course that is suppose to help people, and yet I am unable to help myself. And I feel most ashamed of that, and that I don't have the right to help others because I cannot even help myself.
I cheated, I destroyed her life, I let people who once loved me dearly down. And right now, ironically, I am asking my friend not to cheat on her fiance. Totally laughable. #iamsorry
I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.
I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation with my friends. But many of these friends don't know that I'm still a virgin and have never been in any intimate situation before. The few instances that I confessed about this, I felt the other person judging me. I wish I could really own the term "virgin" and say it with confidence, but I'm still learning to destigmatize the term even for myself. One way I'm doing this is through writing. I'm learning that I don't have to go through something directly in order to write about it. Lewis Carroll was never a girl, and that didn't stop him from writing Alice in Wonderland. So even if I'm a virgin, I can still write about intimate experiences set in a fictional world.
Think to be more relaxed
I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing
No one knows that I still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...
I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)