When I am down. I fall deeply down. I mope in my thoughts. Sometimes I confide in someone. Sometimes I keep it to myself. Last time I used to vomit out the words into my diary. The thing is, I seem often happy. Really, compare me to any other more unfortunate people around the world lacking in food, water and shelter, I am considered well-off enough. I do not need to worry about the next day and how I can survive. But yet, sometimes I feel down. I've seen more than one friendship that I've had fading away in front of me. And sometimes (maybe because I don't necessary ask for it) , I wonder if I mean anything to anyone. If I am gone one day, will I be missed? Will they just mourn for me until a month or a week is over and put it aside in their mind? Why am I here again? Is there a reason I was born? What if I am actually unneeded? Then what is the point? Is my life meaningless? Those questions are the reason why I try so hard to leave something behind to show that I existed. A print of myself into your memory. A good deed done for a random stranger. Reaching out first to help people. But then again, the things you do for others, they might not always remember. They move on with their lives. And that is just how it is. But what can I do? For now, I don't really know. Because the future is uncertain, although I wish there was some way to know.
It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
I am person who really not say been through alot but i would like to say going through times where i got scolded and punished by my parents, i really hope that a have a 2nd personality to cope with me through those times. I have stolen from my family a number of times, some might say i am young.. well i have to agree but now thinking back , Hey! I just wanted to be noticed. I was the oldest out of 3 children, and i was always told since i am the oldest i have to set an example. But now i know, i am me, not an example, i want to try and find the path i want to go and strive towards it, I am not the oldest I am me.
I Have high IQ but low EQ. I think I may be happier the other way round.
For 2 years I had the deepest infatuation for her, poured my heart and soul into her, but she didn't like me at all. After 2 years, she told me she told me the opposite. But by then, I left her and I was gone. Ironically, both of us were shattered. But, I still miss her.
I've been through a lot of online 'relationships'. At the end of the day, it was just helping much older men pleasure themselves. I was too young, and I never should've started, but I don't know why I didn't stop, either. Maybe it was the power I had over them- a young child, reigning over an older man's pleasure? The control I didn't have in my life, I had it online. To me, then, it was like I was living a double life. It was thrilling, and my friends would always look up at me for the experiences I had.
Of course, that quickly led to a exposure that happened too young; too fast.
I never saw their face, and they never saw mine, but being in direct control over their pleasure had a certain sort of intimacy which you couldn't find at my age. By then, I'd been hit on, used as mastrubation material, had over half a dozen unwarranted, inappropriate pictures shoved in my face, and even called a slut simply because I refused to sext with him anymore. Recently, someone even tried to blackmail me with pictures that he didn't have- a bluff he called a joke.
I've also met some in real life, and some have lead to experiences that sometimes, I wasn't so sure of. But it was always about the fun, about the stress relief it brought. On the other hand...I've always wondered, if because of these past experiences, I would become undesirable to the people I'm romantically attracted to. Already because of my gender and sexuality, but with these past experiences...who knows, though, because I've always been rejected by them.
The irony. Chased after by those I don't want, and rejected by those I do.
I'm really tired of being happy, enthusiastic and pretending that everything is okay. These were the qualities that enabled me to survive. Some who know who I really am - I'm a terrible introvert. I hate going out. I hate socialising. I dont like to be happy and enthusiastic all the time.
Growing up in a very restrictive and strict family -
There were times when I was younger when I thought about suicide- I was 12 when I realised I had depression. But I couldn't bear it.
Why did I have depression? Well, I had pressure from doing badly in school- Failing math. My parents were so strict, I felt like a bird in a cage. It was suffocating for me.
When I was 14, I admitted to my parents about my disorder and went to a counciler. He told me I was being 'mature', but for me - I had many mixed emotions. Was I really being mature? Wasn't I a coward for not being able to cut or end myself? I had doubts but I just let it slide. (I'm glad I did)
It's been a few years since those dark days. There were definitely times when I thought about depression again, but I think I grew passed it.
I managed to be able to cope with it better. I thanked my 'cowardly' self when I was younger that I didn't manage to harm myself. I learnt to love myself more and began to start appreciating my body. Sure there were times I've wondered why I had my flaws, but then again, it's those flaws that made me who I am. Thus, with that in mind, I've learnt to embrace my flaws. After working at a service job, which made me realise many things, I grew to understand more about the adult world as well.
It's not easy to survive in the real world. I've learnt that I should use my time now and start thinking and planning for the future.
Depression, anxiety, other disorders are sure to come. More in the future.They are the obstacles in my life yet I need to learn to overcome them.
It's a tiring and tedious process, but I hope the ending of my story will end well.
I was once bullied by a group of friends. They called me names and badmouthed me and I was not invited to any of their programmes/activities. I was hurt but I managed to pull through and I feel that I have became strong and hopefully in the future I will not be devastated if it happens again.
I have realised that I've been thrown into a fire by my colleagues. Rather than saving me with water, they poured oil into it instead. No one thought me anything. No one helped. Left out there to survive on my own. Was it wrong to pity them? Was it wrong to help them?
I wanted to be a superhero, to save the world and make it whole again. Thinking about it now though, I wished someone told me it is okay to be your own superhero.
I decided to stop taking my depression medication for a few months, and I can feel myself falling back into a bad place again. It has been a long fight and honestly there are so many times I want to give in and give up on everything in my life.
The worst part is that I have to mask my condition, and I managed get through till my last year in university, but I am so afraid that in this final year when it counts the most, would be the time that I will fall again. And the strangest part is that I study in a social science course that is suppose to help people, and yet I am unable to help myself. And I feel most ashamed of that, and that I don't have the right to help others because I cannot even help myself.
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
1. I beat cancer thrice. 2. I cheat death every day.
"I am an unstable isotope—an anomaly; a rogue; a deviation from the conventional elements. I want to glow with radioactive effervescence for as long as my decaying life can last, and go out with a bang in a nuclear explosion."
3. Most days I feel suffocated. 4. Anger feels like acid coursing through my veins.
"The scariest moment in my life was when I was fully awake but I could not breath, I could not talk, and I could not move. My lungs felt like they had turned to stone and the intense panic from asphyxiation with my eyes wide open made me realise how insufferable it would be to be awake yet dying."
5. I dream of love and life
"June 6: I find myself missing you already. Because you were there when I was most vulnerable and you let me hold your hand until I fell asleep."
I feel like I distract myself from a lot of things that go on in my life. I try to hide or mask away the confusion or unhappiness with friends and laughter. Yes, I am genuinely content with my circle of friends but there are just times where one feels inferior. Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be intelligent? I know these things are far from what matter in life. Things that should matter are values and beliefs and sincerity but I can't help but to think about these factors about my life. They affect your self-esteem and social circle so much. I'm so afraid of doing something that will cause unrest in others. I don't want to be ostracised and left out. Everyone wants to feel included and feel a sense of belonging. I know i'm not the only one that feels all this but at the same time, I want to be all these things. I'm scared but I don't show it to others. I want to be loved and to love others. I don't know how or what is my true self anymore. I'm scared to be real. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared of being different but i hate being typical. I don't know what to do.
I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....
No one knows that I still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...
I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)
My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.
I think from all the experiences I've had up till now, I realized how strongly I can feel towards something and i really think that it is a blessing.
I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.
When I was 5 years old my Indonesian helper got possessed and chased after me and my younger sister with a chopper. I have been stalked before and during a five-year period, was attacked by different men each year. I was my happiest and fittest then, full of dreams and ambition. It is why I have been scared to be happy and rise into my own power again as I am afraid of the terrible ways it could be taken away from me. I tried to kill myself several times after that but each time I was saved miraculously. My upbringing and the deep shame meant most people had no idea I was going through a daily hell. Ironically everyone thought I was a happy, carefree, confident and outgoing person. I started surviving by expressing myself more creatively, connecting more with all forms of artistic expression and believing in higher powers beyond the physical human existence. My interest in the arts blossomed even more after all these experiences and I saw how they had the power to transmute our shadows towards a more healing energy and a sense of the larger things beyond you and it reminded you of beauty. My writing developed more complexity than before as now I was facing my shadows and having the courage to process them. I have been healing myself over the years and now am grateful for these experiences as I have helped other survivors and can look them in the eyes and actually say, "I truly understand you." and offer ways to support and to empower them with more self-love. Now I am ready to rise again and telling this story this time, after having made steady progress towards healing by loving myself more, is deeply empowering. As 1 in 5 females are attacked each year, 99% by a male they know and often trust, I know that someone reading this will receive comfort. There is no shame, don't blame yourself, don't let them take away your power. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are loveable, you are safe to be who you truly are and you are love. Thank you Nicola for giving me a safe space to share part of my life's story.