It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability.

It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.

But, I still miss her

For 2 years I had the deepest infatuation for her, poured my heart and soul into her, but she didn't like me at all. After 2 years, she told me she told me the opposite. But by then, I left her and I was gone. Ironically, both of us were shattered. But, I still miss her.

Feeling responsible all the time

Feeling responsible all the time. Loving being alone. Hiding from the world because highly intelligente.

Lazy lazy lasy

I've learnt to embrace my flaws

I'm tired.

I'm really tired of being happy, enthusiastic and pretending that everything is okay. These were the qualities that enabled me to survive. Some who know who I really am - I'm a terrible introvert. I hate going out. I hate socialising. I dont like to be happy and enthusiastic all the time.

Growing up in a very restrictive and strict family -

There were times when I was younger when I thought about suicide- I was 12 when I realised I had depression. But I couldn't bear it.

Why did I have depression? Well, I had pressure from doing badly in school- Failing math. My parents were so strict, I felt like a bird in a cage. It was suffocating for me.

When I was 14, I admitted to my parents about my disorder and went to a counciler. He told me I was being 'mature', but for me - I had many mixed emotions. Was I really being mature? Wasn't I a coward for not being able to cut or end myself? I had doubts but I just let it slide. (I'm glad I did)

It's been a few years since those dark days. There were definitely times when I thought about depression again, but I think I grew passed it.

I managed to be able to cope with it better. I thanked my 'cowardly' self when I was younger that I didn't manage to harm myself. I learnt to love myself more and began to start appreciating my body. Sure there were times I've wondered why I had my flaws, but then again, it's those flaws that made me who I am. Thus, with that in mind, I've learnt to embrace my flaws. After working at a service job, which made me realise many things, I grew to understand more about the adult world as well.

It's not easy to survive in the real world. I've learnt that I should use my time now and start thinking and planning for the future.

Depression, anxiety, other disorders are sure to come. More in the future.They are the obstacles in my life yet I need to learn to overcome them.

It's a tiring and tedious process, but I hope the ending of my story will end well.

I realise that something saved my life

I was 17 and was on the verge of committing suicide. It was on the very day that I decide to end my life for once and for all. I went up to level 12 of my HDB flat, ready and prepared. However when I look down from level 12, something make me stop and soon later I decide not to do it. For a while, I regret that decision. As time fly by, I realise that something saved my life. Till to today, I still wondering what was that something that make me stop doing it. At the same time, Im afraid that I have the thought of committing suicide once again.

I am unable to help myself

I decided to stop taking my depression medication for a few months, and I can feel myself falling back into a bad place again. It has been a long fight and honestly there are so many times I want to give in and give up on everything in my life.

The worst part is that I have to mask my condition, and I managed get through till my last year in university, but I am so afraid that in this final year when it counts the most, would be the time that I will fall again. And the strangest part is that I study in a social science course that is suppose to help people, and yet I am unable to help myself. And I feel most ashamed of that, and that I don't have the right to help others because I cannot even help myself.

I am magnificent and at the same time worthless

I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.

This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.

Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.

I am an unstable isotope

Hello.

1. I beat cancer thrice.       2. I cheat death every day.

***

"I am an unstable isotope—an anomaly; a rogue; a deviation from the conventional elements. I want to glow with radioactive effervescence for as long as my decaying life can last, and go out with a bang in a nuclear explosion."

***

3. Most days I feel suffocated.       4. Anger feels like acid coursing through my veins.

***

"The scariest moment in my life was when I was fully awake but I could not breath, I could not talk, and I could not move. My lungs felt like they had turned to stone and the intense panic from asphyxiation with my eyes wide open made me realise how insufferable it would be to be awake yet dying."

***

5. I dream of love and life

***

"June 6: I find myself missing you already. Because you were there when I was most vulnerable and you let me hold your hand until I fell asleep."

***

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.

I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar

I’ve always felt this way. I don’t expect to be seen. I’m walking in warning lights and beeping sounds. I dream in high ceilings and ominous skies. I want a context and a definition. I want to be taken as a whole but I don’t know what that whole is. I want to embrace everything. I’m homeless all the time. I’m seeking solace. I don’t know how to let go of the pen at the end of the page. There is a lake I can’t cross; I’m still searching for a boat. I’m looking for equilibrium. I don’t actually know how to stop. I swim in my feelings. I walk with my head underwater. I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar. I list the number of times I’ve questioned myself. I’m trying to rebuild broken things. I’m trying to find my own voice. I write hoping to be seen. I write hoping to hold myself. I’m in an epilogue trying to find the start of a new story. I really don't like disagreeing. It makes me feel lost. I want to feel like a person. I want to know who you are.

I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable

I thought that life was a fairytale. I had a tough childhood - we had no money - but I was a relatively happy child, with little care in the world.

I imagined myself in my perfect world and things always went my way - studies, scholarships, careers. However, one day, my husband cheated on me. My world came crumbling down. I have let myself get so absorbed in my reality that I didn't realise the truth. I realise life's imperfections and that they have been there all along. But now that I see that, I am immensely afraid that I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable.

It is a struggle to love myself and love life every day now.

I fail so often that I find it hard to believe in myself

My children are my greatest joy. By seeing them grow and experience things i never could, fills me with happiness. Without them I would die.

I feel sad that I have not always protected them from some of the difficulties I have to face and guilty that I have inflicted some of my unhappiness on them.

I have not always been a good mother but I hope I can make up for that.

My personal achievements are few but I want to be a good person who helps others.

I fail so often that I find it hard to believe in myself.

I am the most manipulative person I know

I am the most manipulative person I know.

 But I use my powers for good. Most times.