It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
I Have high IQ but low EQ. I think I may be happier the other way round.
Life is about true happiness that only we can give ourselves.
I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.
This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.
Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.
The real me is really confused, about various aspects of life whether it be career, finance, sexuality, relationship-wise, goals, and personality. On the outside i’m this fun bubbly and also smiling girl but deep down, I'm constantly searching for ways to be cool, to be liked by everyone - to be everyone’s best friend. People might think it’s just a transitional phase in life. But I don’t think there's anything wrong with being confused. Not being sure of anything gives grey areas to the black and white, mobility to the restrained and room for creativity to the narrow-mindedness. It’s a challenge. But if it’s part of the everyday life, I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities. The real me wants to believe all of that.
I had the chance to meet the right person at the right moment : my husband. I am loved and I love. I am social and I like meeting people. I do not have any children but I trust God to give me one in the future.
I am irrationally ideological but not critical
I believe in goodness in humanity but believe I am disillusioned. I believe in mind over body, believe in contentment for happiness. But I allow my body to fool my mind, and allow worldly desire to dissatisfy my contentment.
A dichotomy of belief clouds my aura.
I am the most manipulative person I know.
But I use my powers for good. Most times.
Being an artist and an author can be fun.