It would be striking up a conversation with a stranger, where I would share that instant chemistry with and enjoy their attention, connection and the impromptu friendship and vulnerability. That gives me an unexpected happiness - as it gives some sort of hope that this conversation and acquaintance could grow into something more? A guilty pleasure/confession is feeling very satisfying, watching people who offended me and hurt me get their Karma pay-back, which always makes them suffer x10 more than what they did to me. That makes me happy and scared of my own self at the same time. The other confession is that there are some guys that would come across to me as intelligent and arrogant and hard to get - I like to use that chemistry I have with them and act completely uninterested and cold - other times low-key flirt - and just play with their minds. I need to stop doing that though.
Feeling responsible all the time. Loving being alone. Hiding from the world because highly intelligente.
Lazy lazy lasy
I've been through a lot of online 'relationships'. At the end of the day, it was just helping much older men pleasure themselves. I was too young, and I never should've started, but I don't know why I didn't stop, either. Maybe it was the power I had over them- a young child, reigning over an older man's pleasure? The control I didn't have in my life, I had it online. To me, then, it was like I was living a double life. It was thrilling, and my friends would always look up at me for the experiences I had.
Of course, that quickly led to a exposure that happened too young; too fast.
I never saw their face, and they never saw mine, but being in direct control over their pleasure had a certain sort of intimacy which you couldn't find at my age. By then, I'd been hit on, used as mastrubation material, had over half a dozen unwarranted, inappropriate pictures shoved in my face, and even called a slut simply because I refused to sext with him anymore. Recently, someone even tried to blackmail me with pictures that he didn't have- a bluff he called a joke.
I've also met some in real life, and some have lead to experiences that sometimes, I wasn't so sure of. But it was always about the fun, about the stress relief it brought. On the other hand...I've always wondered, if because of these past experiences, I would become undesirable to the people I'm romantically attracted to. Already because of my gender and sexuality, but with these past experiences...who knows, though, because I've always been rejected by them.
The irony. Chased after by those I don't want, and rejected by those I do.
Staying in Koya-san changed me inside out, helped me to see what is and is not important and why getting upset about petty things is self-destructive.
1. I beat cancer thrice. 2. I cheat death every day.
"I am an unstable isotope—an anomaly; a rogue; a deviation from the conventional elements. I want to glow with radioactive effervescence for as long as my decaying life can last, and go out with a bang in a nuclear explosion."
3. Most days I feel suffocated. 4. Anger feels like acid coursing through my veins.
"The scariest moment in my life was when I was fully awake but I could not breath, I could not talk, and I could not move. My lungs felt like they had turned to stone and the intense panic from asphyxiation with my eyes wide open made me realise how insufferable it would be to be awake yet dying."
5. I dream of love and life
"June 6: I find myself missing you already. Because you were there when I was most vulnerable and you let me hold your hand until I fell asleep."
I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.
What I fear most in life is when everyone turn their back on me. Leaving me in an empty corner, abandoned.
There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave, he will always be part of me and I will learn to let go, someday. Or I might never be able to do that.
The real me is really confused, about various aspects of life whether it be career, finance, sexuality, relationship-wise, goals, and personality. On the outside i’m this fun bubbly and also smiling girl but deep down, I'm constantly searching for ways to be cool, to be liked by everyone - to be everyone’s best friend. People might think it’s just a transitional phase in life. But I don’t think there's anything wrong with being confused. Not being sure of anything gives grey areas to the black and white, mobility to the restrained and room for creativity to the narrow-mindedness. It’s a challenge. But if it’s part of the everyday life, I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities. The real me wants to believe all of that.
I have learnt, in the last two and a half years, that it is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances - when everything you took for granted in your life and that you imagined was the basis of your happiness, is upended, threatened, even destroyed. What do you do when you can no longer live the perfect life that you thought you had? I have learnt that if you accept, and even embrace, change and let go of control (which is an illusion anyway!) that can become a source of tremendous freedom and that freedom, and the discovery that you can be happy and joyful when almost everything you knew has crashed and burned, makes me brave and unafraid of what lies ahead. While I would never have wished for what happened to happen (it crushed me and broke my heart), I understand that it is precisely because it happened that I am braver, stronger and yes, more joyful than I was before.
My secret is a shyness so fundamental, it is strategic and self-sabotaging. Nobody, not even those closest to me, would ever know or suspect it.
I'm still finding myself. I'm in the middle of journey of life. For my life, there is some kind of rule which I have to follow. I try to break that rule and release from that kind of burden but it's not easy. Especially I realized that I push my daughter in the same ways. I try to find which a way makes me happy and satisfies my life. For me, satisfying my life is an important thing. I believe that all the happiness and feeling safe is from satisfaction. When I move to singapore, I could meet many variety of persons, then I realised it. What is important for my life. Because I can see many life looks the same , but is a different standard.
I care about what others think about me too much. I pretend to be a nice person, good mother, and good wife. Thats me, and I'm happy:) Do i pretend to be happy? maybe yes, but maybe no.
People seem to think I'm this incredibly driven, passionate, and intelligent person. But the truth is, I feel so lost. I'm living alone and I don't have anyone that I can always run to. It's lonely, and it's confusing, and I feel there are so many things I do not know, so many people I have yet to meet, and God, all the knowledge I cannot absorb. I'm not as high up as everyone thinks I am. I'm just learning my way around and doing the best I can, and most of the times, it's not smiles and rainbows. Sometimes it's tears no one sees and screams no one hears. But at all times, I just want someone to understand that I'm ordinary and I'm human. I want to be reckless and irresponsible and spontaneous, but everyone seems to rely on my responsible and discipline front. I'm tired. All I want is a few days down.
I took a bold step to change my life and be with the person I felt was meant to be. Now I couldn't be happier with him and our children.
I am me. Coasting along at a constant. A barometer of normality to the outside world. Uninspiring, uneventful and under valued. I am me.
Being an artist and an author can be fun.