The deepest emotion I feel is gratitude. I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, I am an optimist and a do-er... but I sometimes look around me and wonder, how did I end up here?
Life is ironic, and magical. And I am grateful for it: for my family, my life experiences, my friends and the random people that come my way. Yet somehow, deep down inside I am afraid. I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family - my husband and my kids. 3 great kids and they each need 100% of the best of me everyday, which I can't give them because I am just me - enthusiastic, energetic, irritable, tired, witty, creative, demanding, angry, happy, sad.
I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother. And I love her and I am so grateful for her love and sacrifices - but I see her limping and tired now, uninterested for herself. When I finally put the kids to bed, and slouch exhausted on the couch, I feel my bones transform into hers. I try to will myself to get up and go for a run. Nope. Never happens.
And just when I think I'm almost managing all these balls juggling in the air, just when I think I have managed to carve out a little space for me again.... congratulations, you're going to have another baby! What?!! 4 kids? Yes, I wished for that as a child, when I couldn't possibly have understood what child-rearing was about. But now, really??
Yet, I smile .... it's irrational, I know. And I am grateful. I know it'll be another great ride. But word to the wise - be careful what you wish for. Always.