I am magnificent and at the same time worthless

I have darkness; a deep malcontent which is always searching and yearning for satiation. I am the darkness, and it is me. But, by nature, it is unseen, which means I go unseen. I feel unheard, misunderstood, unfairly judged by the world and those in it. I feel a desire for objects to hold inside me. I feel like they will keep me safe, or at the least, distracted. But they do not, because they are part of the darkness, and so the more I focus on my acquisition and achievement the most I melt away from the light and become further from my ultimate goal - to be truly seen and understood by someone.

This cycle of madness is unending, and all-encompassing. Every so often it will bring me to my knees, where I will ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I do not know if He responds, but I always end up in the same place so I think not. Or perhaps I just stop listening. I feel empty and worthless. A sense of profound insignificance plagues my waking thoughts and destroys my drive. What's the point? I ask. No reply comes. At the same time, when my ideas are challenged I feel a pain somewhere deep inside, as if someone has not only challenged my thoughts but my person; my existence.

Though I try not to show it to the people I love most, there is a large part of me which believes I am supreme. I think in a way like no other. I come to conclusions that only the best might arrive at. And every thought spoken is backed by a sea of thoughts never uttered. So you see I exist in a constant state of flux. I am magnificent. And at the same time, worthless. And all the time I am yearning for something that I can never know, for as soon as I know my desire, it moves on to something else. So what is it like to be me? Like shifting sands in the nighttime.

I am an unstable isotope

Hello.

1. I beat cancer thrice.       2. I cheat death every day.

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"I am an unstable isotope—an anomaly; a rogue; a deviation from the conventional elements. I want to glow with radioactive effervescence for as long as my decaying life can last, and go out with a bang in a nuclear explosion."

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3. Most days I feel suffocated.       4. Anger feels like acid coursing through my veins.

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"The scariest moment in my life was when I was fully awake but I could not breath, I could not talk, and I could not move. My lungs felt like they had turned to stone and the intense panic from asphyxiation with my eyes wide open made me realise how insufferable it would be to be awake yet dying."

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5. I dream of love and life

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"June 6: I find myself missing you already. Because you were there when I was most vulnerable and you let me hold your hand until I fell asleep."

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I don't want to be ostracised and left out

I feel like I distract myself from a lot of things that go on in my life. I try to hide or mask away the confusion or unhappiness with friends and laughter. Yes, I am genuinely content with my circle of friends but there are just times where one feels inferior. Why can't I be popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be intelligent? I know these things are far from what matter in life. Things that should matter are values and beliefs and sincerity but I can't help but to think about these factors about my life. They affect your self-esteem and social circle so much. I'm so afraid of doing something that will cause unrest in others. I don't want to be ostracised and left out. Everyone wants to feel included and feel a sense of belonging. I know i'm not the only one that feels all this but at the same time, I want to be all these things. I'm scared but I don't show it to others. I want to be loved and to love others. I don't know how or what is my true self anymore. I'm scared to be real. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared of being different but i hate being typical. I don't know what to do.

I ran away

I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation

I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation with my friends. But many of these friends don't know that I'm still a virgin and have never been in any intimate situation before. The few instances that I confessed about this, I felt the other person judging me. I wish I could really own the term "virgin" and say it with confidence, but I'm still learning to destigmatize the term even for myself. One way I'm doing this is through writing. I'm learning that I don't have to go through something directly in order to write about it. Lewis Carroll was never a girl, and that didn't stop him from writing Alice in Wonderland. So even if I'm a virgin, I can still write about intimate experiences set in a fictional world.

I myself am not a really good person, I admit.

I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really good person, i admit. I have a group of friends who are really good people but somehow lost contact with them after (primary school) graduation. I want to thank them for the short but fond memories and thank them for making my life more colourful. I once had a clique but the friendship did not end off well (because of me) and I just cut ties. I would like to thank them for those memories and lessons which help me to grow into a more independent person. I have supportive teachers (especially those who had not gave up on me after seeing those horrifying marks on my paper)who give encouragements. Thank you for all the efforts and hard work put in. Please remember to rest well. I have pockets of friends in school who I really get along with. They make my life more interesting and meaningful. Thank you for that one friend who constantly supports and stay by my side when I was at that depressing stage where I couldn't pick myself up. Please don't care about what others think and do what you love, and more importantly be yourself. I love my CCA- Choir. Choir is like my second family and I do feel that I belong there, it's filled with loving people. Thank you choir members (seniors, juniors and secondary 4 batch) for making long and tiring sessions more fun throughout the 4years (and all those crazy moments HAHAAHHAHAHA) and thank you conductor for where we are now (both in choir and life) and teachers who constantly guide us. I have a loving family. Thank you for enduring my nonsense and sorry for those times when I had hurt you all with my sharp tongue. I am sorry.

 

I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really really good person...an average person? I feel happy when schoolmates who were once classmates still say hi to me. I say hi to the aunties and uncles in school and it makes me happy as all of them would smile back and say hi too (some even asking if I had lunch already). Sometimes when returning plates, I would tell the canteen vendors that i really like the food and thank them. Sometimes, i feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Sometimes, i like to be alone. Occasionally, i would draw but my drawing is not that good. Sometimes, i would sing to myself but stop when people pass by. Sometimes, i read. Or other times, i would just nap. I feel irritated when people smokes near me. I feel irritated when people seems to be in a rush to somewhere (but maybe they are rushing home to meet their love ones, I'll never know). I want to sing out loud in the parade square. I want to dance in the parade square (though I don't really know how to dance). I want to scream in the parade square, telling people i love and hate and love and hate and love them. I want to let myself all out. Conflicted feelings. I don't like people to tell me what to do with that 'ordering people around' attitude. I like freedom but not too much. Once, two teachers were discussing about what to do with my work. Being bored, i had small talks with other classmates. Then, one of them asked me who's work is that and who's responsibility (for the work). I felt stressed after that (though it's my fault for not listening attentively to their discussion). I felt like throwing up whenever I saw or heard one of them for the rest of the day. (Luckily one friend of mine provide me with gummy bears, it helps) Later that evening I talked back to my parents due to some minor conflicts and immediatwly ran to vomited my dinner out. I then broke down in the dark bedroom. I then slept. I used to go outing around places by my own (i dare not ask anyone to accompany me). I like museums. They makes me feel calm and makes me think out of the box. Those interesting works makes my brain filled with imaginations out of the world and expose me to new ideas. Mind and eye opener, i guess. Sometimes, i get lost(literally) but it allows me to find out things that people will not usually notice. I remember that outing with sec4 choir members, it was really fun and I hope to have such an outing with them again in near future. I have a decent life but sometimes, i feel like I don't belong anywhere. Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting someone to hug you tightly but no one was there for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting to chat with someone of your deep night thoughts but then realise there is no one there for you to do that? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night after thinking what a disappointment you are after not meeting expectations people set for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night because you keep thinking that what if you had not done that or said that or saw that or heard that or knew that? What if? What if you just disappeared, without anyone knowing? Will anyone know? Will anyone care? Or what if you are just a minor role in people's daily life- it won't matter if you're not there...right? Sometimes, i have this sudden motivation to write short notes or long letters, pouring out all my emotions to those significant individuals in my life, telling them how grateful to have them in my life, to thank them for tolerating me and tell them that i really love them. Will they smile after reading the letter? Will they feel my emotions through the letter? Will they still remember me after many years had gone by? I am afraid. I've always think that people i know do have their own lives and friends and family that mean a lot to them, and I should not disturb them. I am just playing a minor role in their lifes. I mean, after graduation, people just move on...right? At new places, they will make new friends, and the cycle continues. (not saying that new beginnings are bad) Relationships (or bondings) will end, am i afraid. One thing I've vowed to myself is that, even if they forgot me, I'll never forget them. I shall carry all the past memories and carry on with my life, i hope. I don't really trust people. Sometimes, people who see me in school asked if I'm okay(thank you people i love y'all) or i simply need more sleep, I'll answer them that I'm just tired. (Sometimes they'll joking ask if I'm physical, emotional or psychological tired) I don't really trust people with my personal problems. I dare not trouble them. I can't imagine pouring all my deep down and long hidden emotions, showing someone all my insecurities, just no. It feels... so naked. I am afraid to let anyone saw the 'raw', realest me(i tend to fool around on the outside, or both inside-out when I'm really happy). Just be strong, i tell myself, and everything will be okay. Really. I see people struggling with their life too. I sincerely (i may or may not sound hypocritical here, i am not a really really good person) hope that they would overcome the challenges, learn meaningful lessons and after time, they'll look back and have a good laugh. I once told myself that this is my life - my one and only life - and I should make it interesting. Should I still hold everything to myself or just let myself out, be the realest self and enjoy life? Should I? I mean, a smooth journey will not be as exciting as a roller coaster ride, am i right? Time shall see.

 

Oh, one more thing about me. I really love chinese!

I fell in love with resurrecting myself

I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s  wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.

Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water

I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.

I realized how strongly I can feel towards something

I think from all the experiences I've had up till now, I realized how strongly I can feel towards something and i really think that it is a blessing.

I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past

I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.

I am mesmerized by the beauty and the afflictions

When I experience the energies of the universe, in its subtlest and truest forms, it connects me to my higher awareness. As an artist and a spiritual seeker, I am mesmerized by the beauty and the afflictions the senses and the feelings that are created like a ripple in the water. I call it my Inner Dimensions.

There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave

There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave, he will always be part of me and I will learn to let go, someday. Or I might never be able to do that.

I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities

The real me is really confused, about various aspects of life whether it be career, finance, sexuality, relationship-wise, goals, and personality. On the outside i’m this fun bubbly and also smiling girl but deep down, I'm constantly searching for ways to be cool, to be liked by everyone - to be everyone’s best friend. People might think it’s just a transitional phase in life. But I don’t think there's anything wrong with being confused. Not being sure of anything gives grey areas to the black and white, mobility to the restrained and room for creativity to the narrow-mindedness. It’s a challenge. But if it’s part of the everyday life, I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities. The real me wants to believe all of that.

Yes, I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me

I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me and it felt completely right at that time of my life. I am not shameful of it, because I saw who she was. Not shallow things like her age or gender.

I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar

I’ve always felt this way. I don’t expect to be seen. I’m walking in warning lights and beeping sounds. I dream in high ceilings and ominous skies. I want a context and a definition. I want to be taken as a whole but I don’t know what that whole is. I want to embrace everything. I’m homeless all the time. I’m seeking solace. I don’t know how to let go of the pen at the end of the page. There is a lake I can’t cross; I’m still searching for a boat. I’m looking for equilibrium. I don’t actually know how to stop. I swim in my feelings. I walk with my head underwater. I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar. I list the number of times I’ve questioned myself. I’m trying to rebuild broken things. I’m trying to find my own voice. I write hoping to be seen. I write hoping to hold myself. I’m in an epilogue trying to find the start of a new story. I really don't like disagreeing. It makes me feel lost. I want to feel like a person. I want to know who you are.