Yes, I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me

I have fallen in love with a woman 15 years older than me and it felt completely right at that time of my life. I am not shameful of it, because I saw who she was. Not shallow things like her age or gender.

I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar

I’ve always felt this way. I don’t expect to be seen. I’m walking in warning lights and beeping sounds. I dream in high ceilings and ominous skies. I want a context and a definition. I want to be taken as a whole but I don’t know what that whole is. I want to embrace everything. I’m homeless all the time. I’m seeking solace. I don’t know how to let go of the pen at the end of the page. There is a lake I can’t cross; I’m still searching for a boat. I’m looking for equilibrium. I don’t actually know how to stop. I swim in my feelings. I walk with my head underwater. I collect my old hopes and keep them in a jar. I list the number of times I’ve questioned myself. I’m trying to rebuild broken things. I’m trying to find my own voice. I write hoping to be seen. I write hoping to hold myself. I’m in an epilogue trying to find the start of a new story. I really don't like disagreeing. It makes me feel lost. I want to feel like a person. I want to know who you are.

My secret is a shyness so fundamental, it is strategic and self-sabotaging

My secret is a shyness so fundamental, it is strategic and self-sabotaging. Nobody, not even those closest to me, would ever know or suspect it.

I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family

The deepest emotion I feel is gratitude. I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, I am an optimist and a do-er... but I sometimes look around me and wonder, how did I end up here?

Life is ironic, and magical. And I am grateful for it: for my family, my life experiences, my friends and the random people that come my way. Yet somehow, deep down inside I am afraid. I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family - my husband and my kids. 3 great kids and they each need 100% of the best of me everyday, which I can't give them because I am just me - enthusiastic, energetic, irritable, tired, witty, creative, demanding, angry, happy, sad. I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother. And I love her and I am so grateful for her love and sacrifices - but I see her limping and tired now, uninterested for herself. When I finally put the kids to bed, and slouch exhausted on the couch, I feel my bones transform into hers. I try to will myself to get up and go for a run. Nope. Never happens.

And just when I think I'm almost managing all these balls juggling in the air, just when I think I have managed to carve out a little space for me again.... congratulations, you're going to have another baby! What?!! 4 kids? Yes, I wished for that as a child, when I couldn't possibly have understood what child-rearing was about. But now, really?? Yet, I smile .... it's irrational, I know. And I am grateful. I know it'll be another great ride.

 

But word to the wise - be careful what you wish for. Always.

I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother.

The deepest emotion I feel is gratitude. I am not perfect, my life is not perfect, I am an optimist and a do-er... but I sometimes look around me and wonder, how did I end up here?

Life is ironic, and magical. And I am grateful for it: for my family, my life experiences, my friends and the random people that come my way. Yet somehow, deep down inside I am afraid. I'm afraid that I have given up too much of myself for my family - my husband and my kids. 3 great kids and they each need 100% of the best of me everyday, which I can't give them because I am just me - enthusiastic, energetic, irritable, tired, witty, creative, demanding, angry, happy, sad.

I am afraid that one day I will end up just like my mother. And I love her and I am so grateful for her love and sacrifices - but I see her limping and tired now, uninterested for herself. When I finally put the kids to bed, and slouch exhausted on the couch, I feel my bones transform into hers. I try to will myself to get up and go for a run. Nope. Never happens.

And just when I think I'm almost managing all these balls juggling in the air, just when I think I have managed to carve out a little space for me again.... congratulations, you're going to have another baby! What?!! 4 kids? Yes, I wished for that as a child, when I couldn't possibly have understood what child-rearing was about. But now, really??

Yet, I smile .... it's irrational, I know. And I am grateful. I know it'll be another great ride. But word to the wise - be careful what you wish for. Always.

I can see many life looks same but different standard

I'm still finding myself. I'm in the middle of journey of life. For my life, there is some kind of rule which I have to follow. I try to break that rule and release from that kind of burden but it's not easy. Especially I realized that I push my daughter in the same ways. I try to find which a way makes me happy and satisfies my life. For me, satisfying my life is an important thing. I believe that all the happiness and feeling safe is from satisfaction. When I move to singapore, I could meet many variety of persons, then I realised it. What is important for my life. Because I can see many life looks the same , but is a different standard.

I get told how lucky I am

To others my life looks amazing, that I have it all. A healthy family, a hardworking husband, a home, nice things, financial freedom. I get told how lucky I am and I am lucky in many ways. The truth is that I am ungrateful. I expect more, I'm never satisfied. I am lazy. I stopped trying and started expecting everything to happen without putting in my part. I have driven my husband away and now he may want to divorce me.

I've finally realised the faults and issues about myself, I've realised why I've been that way, how I've allowed issues from my past to haunt me and cause me to destroy my own happiness. But have I realised this too late? And I've learned he has secrets too. Secrets that I may never know the full truth of. Secrets that rip my heart apart.

Despite my issues and his issues, I now know that there's nothing more in the world I want than to work it all out and find our happy place again, but it might be too late.

I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable

I thought that life was a fairytale. I had a tough childhood - we had no money - but I was a relatively happy child, with little care in the world.

I imagined myself in my perfect world and things always went my way - studies, scholarships, careers. However, one day, my husband cheated on me. My world came crumbling down. I have let myself get so absorbed in my reality that I didn't realise the truth. I realise life's imperfections and that they have been there all along. But now that I see that, I am immensely afraid that I am also imperfect, and therefore, not lovable.

It is a struggle to love myself and love life every day now.

I pretend to be a nice person, good mother, and good wife.

I care about what others think about me too much. I pretend to be a nice person, good mother, and good wife. Thats me, and I'm happy:) Do i pretend to be happy? maybe yes, but maybe no.

I am a mid life mother searching for what's next for my life

I am a mid life mother searching for what's next for my life? Expat life has made my skin thick..Sometimes lonely, kids abroad, husband and I grown closer ..new friends, new life, missing our hometown (30 hr commute).. Sniff

The truth is, I feel so lost

People seem to think I'm this incredibly driven, passionate, and intelligent person. But the truth is, I feel so lost. I'm living alone and I don't have anyone that I can always run to. It's lonely, and it's confusing, and I feel there are so many things I do not know, so many people I have yet to meet, and God, all the knowledge I cannot absorb. I'm not as high up as everyone thinks I am. I'm just learning my way around and doing the best I can, and most of the times, it's not smiles and rainbows. Sometimes it's tears no one sees and screams no one hears. But at all times, I just want someone to understand that I'm ordinary and I'm human. I want to be reckless and irresponsible and spontaneous, but everyone seems to rely on my responsible and discipline front. I'm tired. All I want is a few days down.

I had the chance to meet the right person at the right moment

I had the chance to meet the right person at the right moment : my husband. I am loved and I love. I am social and I like meeting people. I do not have any children but I trust God to give me one in the future.

I am learning more about who exactly I aspire to become

As an eighteen year old about to leave the nest and go to university, I am learning more about who exactly I aspire to become and what I want to contribute to the world in my lifetime. I aspire to help people who didn't get the privilege of growing up as comfortably as I did.. I aspire to bring a little bit of good to the world - no matter how large or how small. I aspire to become somebody who is not bothered by material wealth but rather seeks to learn about the world, different languages, cultures, religions and customs. I aspire to travel and make friends with people that add something meaningful to my life. It's a lot of dreams to have, but the only way i can ever get close to being remotely like that is by aspiring!

My life is a voyage across the oceans

My life is a voyage across the oceans, quite literally and on the way I am learning a lot about the people I meet, the people I call family and friends and the person I am.

My life changing moment was facing the possibility of drowning at sea when our boat lost its rudder in the Atlantic, I survived and am confident now that I can surmount anything else that's thrown at me.

I fail so often that I find it hard to believe in myself

My children are my greatest joy. By seeing them grow and experience things i never could, fills me with happiness. Without them I would die.

I feel sad that I have not always protected them from some of the difficulties I have to face and guilty that I have inflicted some of my unhappiness on them.

I have not always been a good mother but I hope I can make up for that.

My personal achievements are few but I want to be a good person who helps others.

I fail so often that I find it hard to believe in myself.

I have a constant feeling of missing something

I'll be short. I feel life has been good to me, but I have a constant feeling of missing something. Life did catch up with me in 2005, though. My father passed suddenly in a terrible accident, and my husband was cheating and about to leave me. It's been 12 years, and I still cry.