I ran away

I ran away. I couldnt take the stress so I chose the easier way out. It seems like its a suitable choice, but I cant help feeling like a coward. Its not nice feeling mediocre. there's nothing that I'm special at, so it feels as if even if I disappear, not much will change. It doesnt feel good knowing you're forgettable, like the second choice when someone else is unavailable. but its okay!!! I'll do my best to bring positivity to make someone's else life a little brighter. I'll be as sincere as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation

I'm comfortable talking about sex and masturbation with my friends. But many of these friends don't know that I'm still a virgin and have never been in any intimate situation before. The few instances that I confessed about this, I felt the other person judging me. I wish I could really own the term "virgin" and say it with confidence, but I'm still learning to destigmatize the term even for myself. One way I'm doing this is through writing. I'm learning that I don't have to go through something directly in order to write about it. Lewis Carroll was never a girl, and that didn't stop him from writing Alice in Wonderland. So even if I'm a virgin, I can still write about intimate experiences set in a fictional world.

I myself am not a really good person, I admit.

I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really good person, i admit. I have a group of friends who are really good people but somehow lost contact with them after (primary school) graduation. I want to thank them for the short but fond memories and thank them for making my life more colourful. I once had a clique but the friendship did not end off well (because of me) and I just cut ties. I would like to thank them for those memories and lessons which help me to grow into a more independent person. I have supportive teachers (especially those who had not gave up on me after seeing those horrifying marks on my paper)who give encouragements. Thank you for all the efforts and hard work put in. Please remember to rest well. I have pockets of friends in school who I really get along with. They make my life more interesting and meaningful. Thank you for that one friend who constantly supports and stay by my side when I was at that depressing stage where I couldn't pick myself up. Please don't care about what others think and do what you love, and more importantly be yourself. I love my CCA- Choir. Choir is like my second family and I do feel that I belong there, it's filled with loving people. Thank you choir members (seniors, juniors and secondary 4 batch) for making long and tiring sessions more fun throughout the 4years (and all those crazy moments HAHAAHHAHAHA) and thank you conductor for where we are now (both in choir and life) and teachers who constantly guide us. I have a loving family. Thank you for enduring my nonsense and sorry for those times when I had hurt you all with my sharp tongue. I am sorry.

 

I have met a number of really nice people. I myself am not a really really good person...an average person? I feel happy when schoolmates who were once classmates still say hi to me. I say hi to the aunties and uncles in school and it makes me happy as all of them would smile back and say hi too (some even asking if I had lunch already). Sometimes when returning plates, I would tell the canteen vendors that i really like the food and thank them. Sometimes, i feel like I don't really belong anywhere. Sometimes, i like to be alone. Occasionally, i would draw but my drawing is not that good. Sometimes, i would sing to myself but stop when people pass by. Sometimes, i read. Or other times, i would just nap. I feel irritated when people smokes near me. I feel irritated when people seems to be in a rush to somewhere (but maybe they are rushing home to meet their love ones, I'll never know). I want to sing out loud in the parade square. I want to dance in the parade square (though I don't really know how to dance). I want to scream in the parade square, telling people i love and hate and love and hate and love them. I want to let myself all out. Conflicted feelings. I don't like people to tell me what to do with that 'ordering people around' attitude. I like freedom but not too much. Once, two teachers were discussing about what to do with my work. Being bored, i had small talks with other classmates. Then, one of them asked me who's work is that and who's responsibility (for the work). I felt stressed after that (though it's my fault for not listening attentively to their discussion). I felt like throwing up whenever I saw or heard one of them for the rest of the day. (Luckily one friend of mine provide me with gummy bears, it helps) Later that evening I talked back to my parents due to some minor conflicts and immediatwly ran to vomited my dinner out. I then broke down in the dark bedroom. I then slept. I used to go outing around places by my own (i dare not ask anyone to accompany me). I like museums. They makes me feel calm and makes me think out of the box. Those interesting works makes my brain filled with imaginations out of the world and expose me to new ideas. Mind and eye opener, i guess. Sometimes, i get lost(literally) but it allows me to find out things that people will not usually notice. I remember that outing with sec4 choir members, it was really fun and I hope to have such an outing with them again in near future. I have a decent life but sometimes, i feel like I don't belong anywhere. Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting someone to hug you tightly but no one was there for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night, wanting to chat with someone of your deep night thoughts but then realise there is no one there for you to do that? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night after thinking what a disappointment you are after not meeting expectations people set for you? Have you ever broke down in the middle of the night because you keep thinking that what if you had not done that or said that or saw that or heard that or knew that? What if? What if you just disappeared, without anyone knowing? Will anyone know? Will anyone care? Or what if you are just a minor role in people's daily life- it won't matter if you're not there...right? Sometimes, i have this sudden motivation to write short notes or long letters, pouring out all my emotions to those significant individuals in my life, telling them how grateful to have them in my life, to thank them for tolerating me and tell them that i really love them. Will they smile after reading the letter? Will they feel my emotions through the letter? Will they still remember me after many years had gone by? I am afraid. I've always think that people i know do have their own lives and friends and family that mean a lot to them, and I should not disturb them. I am just playing a minor role in their lifes. I mean, after graduation, people just move on...right? At new places, they will make new friends, and the cycle continues. (not saying that new beginnings are bad) Relationships (or bondings) will end, am i afraid. One thing I've vowed to myself is that, even if they forgot me, I'll never forget them. I shall carry all the past memories and carry on with my life, i hope. I don't really trust people. Sometimes, people who see me in school asked if I'm okay(thank you people i love y'all) or i simply need more sleep, I'll answer them that I'm just tired. (Sometimes they'll joking ask if I'm physical, emotional or psychological tired) I don't really trust people with my personal problems. I dare not trouble them. I can't imagine pouring all my deep down and long hidden emotions, showing someone all my insecurities, just no. It feels... so naked. I am afraid to let anyone saw the 'raw', realest me(i tend to fool around on the outside, or both inside-out when I'm really happy). Just be strong, i tell myself, and everything will be okay. Really. I see people struggling with their life too. I sincerely (i may or may not sound hypocritical here, i am not a really really good person) hope that they would overcome the challenges, learn meaningful lessons and after time, they'll look back and have a good laugh. I once told myself that this is my life - my one and only life - and I should make it interesting. Should I still hold everything to myself or just let myself out, be the realest self and enjoy life? Should I? I mean, a smooth journey will not be as exciting as a roller coaster ride, am i right? Time shall see.

 

Oh, one more thing about me. I really love chinese!

I fell in love with resurrecting myself

I fell in love with resurrecting myself, replacing bits and pieces of my mind that needed something newand my life became the most colourful thing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing

Being me is fun and nice and scary and a blessing. The scary part is that I live a very "normal" life...married for 18 years, to a man my parents agree of, two wonderful teenage boys , with whom we have a great relationship, and we have a very harmonious family life. See? Pretty scary, pretty unreal. But real. The fun part is that in my family we have always enjoyed humor, so even in difficult situations, we tend to make jokes. And my husband has a wonderful sense of humor. Probably what I fell in love with. Nice? We are good people. We seriously, do not fight, and therefore we run away from conflict. I do not know if this will be a weakness from my boys. Let’s  wait and see. And yes.. a TRUE blessing to be me. I have had it all and luck is on our side. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU THANK YOU LIFE.

Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water

I hit to the pub, to drink. Only to find myself tipsy... and drunk. It has become a habit now. A habit where people around me do not know or taken noticed of. I hide it from family and friends as our religious has restricted us from touching alcohol. For each and every time I drink, it reminded me of..... the 44 days unforgivable from god. I don't know how to stop. Nobody knows that I have been drinking alcohol like a mineral water. It's funny, I know....

I'm anxious and a hypochondriac

I'm anxious and a hypochondriac. I fall into a slump halfway through every school year. I love staying up late at night and going to the beach when i'm feeling lonely. I hate when children scream in enclosed spaces. I've had an anime phase, a writer's phase, and a drawing phase. I want to learn how to dance and how to play the electric bass. I love cats so much but i'm tragically allergic. I get migraines when I cry and I get the runs when i get too nervous. Speaking in front of a crowd leaves me shaky and out of it. I have a habit of peeling my nails when i (over)think. I love my friends and we're close but I'm sometimes afraid that i love them more than they love me. I want to be close to my family but we have spent so much time growing apart that it's hard...but we try anyway and I think it's getting better. I want to have an open heart but it's hard to be soft-hearted in this world. I want to learn a lot of things but no money no time (that's a lie, i waste too much time). I hope God is real and I hope He forgives me.

The first girl I loved(ish) broke me but at least now I know that no matter what and no matter how long it takes I will heal and I will grow and things will always be okay eventually, even if it might not seem that way while you're in it. And also that good communication is easily one of the most important things to have, ever. I learnt that you have to hold on to the people whom you love and who love you, and that since we all die anyway there's no harm in trying and taking chances and fighting for your right to live as much as you can.

I'm feeling nervous about university and moving to a new country. I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know if our relationship will stand the distance. I don't want to get married and I dont want to have children because it feels like the moment you do one of them, the other gets expected of you and then you slowly transform into nothing more than mother, wife.... maybe it's selfish but I want to have my life to live. Even though I'm dating a boy I also want to date a girl someday too...but for now we are happy and I am content and thankful and I know that when I leave I'll miss him like mad.

I'm worried about my brother. He doesnt talk to me much but I hope his heart is okay and I hope he has people he trusts. I hope he knows that I love him. I tell him sometimes but I dont know if he believes me.

I've had to talk a friend out of suicide a couple times now and I really really hope she makes it through and finds what she's looking for. If this is a wishing tree of some kind then I wish for her happiness and strength and ability to trust others and to love and be kinder to herself.

I wish my childhood traumas and bullying weren't so deeply embedded in my psyche but I guess the years just pile on like layers or tree rings and the bad memories stay on as peas between mattresses, resurfacing themselves as flashbacks and moments of paranoia, self-hatred and pity... but I am better than that, i am stronger than that, I'm learning to love and know myself and what happened back then does not define me now or ever. (I say that now but sometimes it's a bit hard to believe my own words)

I worry about the world and the climate; I worry about the possibility of a nuclear war and I worry about people caught in genocides and refugee camps and in prison. It feels like such an acute ache and yet I feel so powerless to make any sort of change.

I don't know what to think about Singapore - we have our bads and goods - there are things that we need to ease up on and change but every country is different and too much facebook criticism i think sometimes becomes irrelevant and pointless negativity...

I suppose as of now i'm happy. But worried. Apprehensive and unsure. But I don't think i will ever be 100 percent ready to live? I guess what really matters is that we try, since in the grand scheme of things we don't matter that much after all. Even after the human race dies out this dumb space rock will still turn among the stars and life will adapt (granted we dont fuck it up too badly) so why the hell not?

No one knows that I still miss my grandpa.

No one knows that I  still miss my grandpa. I never got to see his cremation, I never looked at his face in the casket at the wake because I was too scared that this was real, and I never got to say goodbye because my family never told me he was hospitalized until it was too late. Every time I think about him I cry, but at the same time it seemed to me that even when he was alive he never had both feet in our world at the same time. His piscean eyes always saw what came before and what would come after, he shunned doctors and walked barefoot on the road and went to subud but also went to church; he collected books about mediums and spirits and the lives we all lead (I stole one in a fit of grief, hoping I would understand him more after I read it but I haven't been able to open it yet). He looked at the clouds and at the stars, he opened his heart to animals and swindlers and children's charities; he spoiled me and my brother and he taught me to catch butterflies, to rinse sand out of my eye with a damp cloth, to be kind to my only brother, to feed the stray cats, to recognize orion's belt and venus on cloudless nights, to switch the lights off in a thunderstorm...

 

I miss you so much and it hurts worse that I never will remember the last thing I said to you. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I’m sorry I was such a brat when I was young and I'm sorry I stopped talking to you as we got older. Did you ever find what you were looking for? Are you in heaven watching channel 5 reruns of Tanglin, or are you back here on earth as a moth or a hungry ghost, or has your soul ascended to the great ball of energetic light suspended in the 4th dimension, or will your only afterlife be the one where you still semi-live in our memory? Will i ever stop crying over you? Please forgive me. I love you so much and so does my mom and we hope you're doing okay out there (and I hope maybe I can see you again when the time comes too.)

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly

My only regret in life is not expressing my appreciation for someone I loved so dearly. Stupid because that was a reason why he broke up with me, and it still haunts me till this day. I guess it wasn't that I didn't notice the things that he did, it was just that I was scared that he would get tired of me expressing my gratefulness. What a stupid fear, what an absolutely horrid excuse. It has haunted me for so long and I don't know if I can ever recover from the guilt that I feel.

I realized how strongly I can feel towards something

I think from all the experiences I've had up till now, I realized how strongly I can feel towards something and i really think that it is a blessing.

I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past

I am selfish. Though, I like to tell others I'm not. I have destroyed the lives of those who loved me in the past. I have cheated in every relationship I have been in. I have cheated with others who are in a relationship and destroyed theirs. I am impatient, self important and I can get evil. But I also want to help people. I want to help those who are troubled in this society. I want to create a level ground for everyone from every background. PS: I've always wanted to be Prime Minister.

I do want to thank her for giving birth to me, but I don't love her, at all

Friends didn't understand why I hate my mother because they didn't know that she gave up on me when I was 12 year old going on 13. I could still remember the disappointment and irk in her eyes when she knew my PSLE result and realised that I would not be able to enter the same secondary school as my elder sibling. Every meet-the-parent session was attended by my father since then, because I was nothing but a failure to her.

 

Today, I have a well-paying job after completing my university studies and I do want to thank her for giving birth to me, but I don't love her, at all.

I am mesmerized by the beauty and the afflictions

When I experience the energies of the universe, in its subtlest and truest forms, it connects me to my higher awareness. As an artist and a spiritual seeker, I am mesmerized by the beauty and the afflictions the senses and the feelings that are created like a ripple in the water. I call it my Inner Dimensions.

When I was 5 years old my Indonesian helper got possessed and chased after me with a chopper

When I was 5 years old my Indonesian helper got possessed and chased after me and my younger sister with a chopper. I have been stalked before and during a five-year period, was attacked by different men each year. I was my happiest and fittest then, full of dreams and ambition. It is why I have been scared to be happy and rise into my own power again as I am afraid of the terrible ways it could be taken away from me. I tried to kill myself several times after that but each time I was saved miraculously. My upbringing and the deep shame meant most people had no idea I was going through a daily hell. Ironically everyone thought I was a happy, carefree, confident and outgoing person. I started surviving by expressing myself more creatively, connecting more with all forms of artistic expression and believing in higher powers beyond the physical human existence. My interest in the arts blossomed even more after all these experiences and I saw how they had the power to transmute our shadows towards a more healing energy and a sense of the larger things beyond you and it reminded you of beauty. My writing developed more complexity than before as now I was facing my shadows and having the courage to process them. I have been healing myself over the years and now am grateful for these experiences as I have helped other survivors and can look them in the eyes and actually say, "I truly understand you." and offer ways to support and to empower them with more self-love. Now I am ready to rise again and telling this story this time, after having made steady progress towards healing by loving myself more, is deeply empowering. As 1 in 5 females are attacked each year, 99% by a male they know and often trust, I know that someone reading this will receive comfort. There is no shame, don't blame yourself, don't let them take away your power. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are loveable, you are safe to be who you truly are and you are love. Thank you Nicola for giving me a safe space to share part of my life's story.

There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave

There is someone whom I regret making the decision to leave, he will always be part of me and I will learn to let go, someday. Or I might never be able to do that.

I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities

The real me is really confused, about various aspects of life whether it be career, finance, sexuality, relationship-wise, goals, and personality. On the outside i’m this fun bubbly and also smiling girl but deep down, I'm constantly searching for ways to be cool, to be liked by everyone - to be everyone’s best friend. People might think it’s just a transitional phase in life. But I don’t think there's anything wrong with being confused. Not being sure of anything gives grey areas to the black and white, mobility to the restrained and room for creativity to the narrow-mindedness. It’s a challenge. But if it’s part of the everyday life, I think if one can deal with constantly being in the state of limbo, it’s a place of possibilities. The real me wants to believe all of that.

The knowledge that every breath we take leads us closer to our deaths, is something I find difficult to take in

The knowledge that every breath we take leads us closer to our deaths, is something I find difficult to take in.

It is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances

I have learnt, in the last two and a half years, that it is possible to find joy even in the midst of the most difficult of circumstances - when everything you took for granted in your life and that you imagined was the basis of your happiness, is upended, threatened, even destroyed. What do you do when you can no longer live the perfect life that you thought you had? I have learnt that if you accept, and even embrace, change and let go of control (which is an illusion anyway!) that can become a source of tremendous freedom and that freedom, and the discovery that you can be happy and joyful when almost everything you knew has crashed and burned, makes me brave and unafraid of what lies ahead. While I would never have wished for what happened to happen (it crushed me and broke my heart), I understand that it is precisely because it happened that I am braver, stronger and yes, more joyful than I was before.